Her: What brings you to speed dating?
Me: I just ran out of the fancy shampoo my previous GF bought for me.
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Sorry, grandma. You stood up. You have to be Slim Shady now.
a herd of people is called a crowd but a crowd full of introverts is called Les Misérables
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
doc: so how are you feeling
me: awful
doc: *phew* I hate to ruin a good mood
Everything I know about dancing I learned from the Charlie Brown Christmas party
This is a wedding toast I made up you can use if you want:
Some say you aren’t good enough for him. Some say you aren’t good enough for her. I say you’re good enough for each other.
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
[texting]
WIFE: need to talk when u get home
ME: about what
WIFE: too much to text just wait till u get home
ME: *never goes home*
Show your dominance by constantly giving HR new reasons to update the employee manual
No one makes eye contact in a restroom after being “loud” in a stall.
Women because they’re embarrassed
Men because they’ll start laughing
A boy asks his mom, “Why am I black and you’re white?” She says, “Don’t even go there. The way that party went, you’re lucky you don’t bark”
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
Instead of calling him a paleontologist, I used to call Ross from Friends a fossil fool lol I was such a hoot in the 90s.
Wife: Have you considered therapy?
Me: I’m glad you think so highly of my opinions, but I already have a career
Wife: *stabs me
Hot girls who complain that you can’t get laid… do you live on a deserted island?
Your honor these allegations are
If she boasts how adult coloring is therapeutic and has made her more tolerant and patient
Hide her markers
And wait…
Who called it the U.S. Dairy Council and not the Butter Business Bureau?
The wife surprised me on my birthday by coming to see me at work, so I surprised her too by having Brenda from Accounts sitting on my lap when she arrived.
[throwing coin into fountain] I wish I was better with money
If you want to stop being invited to the children’s birthday parties, buy all the littles an air horn for Christmas.
oh shoot the farmers market was out of cocoa krispies and actually ‘never had them’ and they ‘don’t think I understand what a farmers market is’
Q: Why did Snape stand in the middle of the road? A: So you’ll never know which side he’s on.
He died doing what he loved — screaming for help and punching a bear.
I didn’t watch the video you sent I just waited 3 minutes then wrote hahaha
Old Billy from security really spoils our sniffer dogs.
Dandelions are just like regular lions, except they wear ascots.
“Go Paperless!” they tell you on a full extra sheet of paper.
#growingpains