PHYSICIST: There are infinite universes, more than you can imagine
ME: That means there exists a universe in which all my tweets are funny
PHYSICIST: Not that many
You Might Also Like
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
My toddler just woke up and went to the pantry to get herself Doritos for breakfast.
Apparently she’s ready to be a teenager now.
Love is in the air fryer.
Can you rent a shark? It’s time sensitive
Awww, I remember when I was 18 and thought I was an adult too. Good times.
[Batman picking a catchphrase]
Bruce: what’s good for the Bruce is good for the Gander
Alfred: nothing to do with bats/gives away your identity
Bruce: i’mma throw two Bruce’s up on crime
Alfred: *rubbing temples* how about “i’m Batman”
Bruce: you’re cruising for a Bruce-ing
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid…
Me…
Kid: You didn’t sew the hole in my bunny
Me..
Kid..
Me: It’s 3:07am
Kid: So are you gonna sew it now?
CHILD: goodnight earth, goodnight stars, goodnight orb
MOM: no it’s goodnight moon, honey
ORB: t h i s c h i l d w i l l b e s p a r e d
I swear could grab 3 rabid coyotes and dress them up as my kids and they’d be better behaved than my children are. But, you know, yay summer.
What separates the men from the boys is knowing that women love it when they show off their big throbbing manners and intelligence.
babe wake up . a new draw your ship prompt just dropped
[making yellowjackets]
Angel: These things don’t really do anything other than sting people
God: We’re running out of college mascots
Having to walk all the way to a person’s house & talk to them face to face really cut down on pointless small talk though.
I can’t feel my face when I’m with you, but I love it.
Doctor: This is your third Botox appointment. That wasn’t even funny the first time.
i have faced more peer pressure to drink oat milk than to do drugs
Your love is like Vicodin. You take away my pain but make me sick to stomach afterwards and you’re also white.
Me: are you or are you not my people?
My sister: I am, but I’m still not driving 3 hours to get you a bagel.
Cat: I think i have a rash.
Doctor Dog: WE SHOULD AMPUTATE YOUR HEAD
One time I brought my kids to work with me and now my boss is way more tolerant of my drinking.
two people or more is called a problem
Everyone’s AVI – Sorry. This is the absolute best I can look. I’m actually suspended upside down in this shot and I rented a wind machine.
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
My husband got a notification that “there’s a familiar face” at the door.
It was the Amazon delivery guy, y’all.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Eating Triscuits always feels like I’m chewing very small wicker lawn furniture while a family of dolls in beach outfits stares at me in horror.
[hours after first date]
HER: *on phone* yeah i went on the date but he was creepy.
*i’m just sitting outside her bedroom window in shock*
Just learned that the main guy from the Sopranos was named Tony Soprano what’s next you’re gonna tell me the guy from True Detective is called Tony True Detective c’mon
Melania Trump says her husband is “not Hitler.” That’s true. Hitler had a mustache and adult-sized hands.
5yo just abandoned his post as goalie so he could confirm we would be getting Chipotle for dinner. Because he is my child.
the world’s most popular steaming services