My husband referred to one of my freckles as an age spot. Details to come on a candlelight vigil held in his honor.
You Might Also Like
batman: i caught the penguin
judge: bail is set for $0
batman: isn’t he a flight risk?
judge:
batman: oh right
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Reasons why i never let my girlfriend touch my iPhone. 1) I don’t have iPhone. 2) I don’t have a girlfriend.
me: *tries to befriend another human being*
another human being: oh, no thank you
[Beauty and the Beast, Tinder Edition]
BELLE: *swipes left*[credits]
I need a plethora of Piñatas in my office. What better way to relieve stress than violently assaulting something until it bleeds candy
My kid was supposed to enter second grade but after months of homeschooling he’ll be going back to kindergarten.
5 years ago when ‘House of Cards’ started we said, ‘That’s so scary.’ Now Trump is here and we’re like, ‘hahaha, House of Cards is adorable’
What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
I’m at my most daredevil when I sneak in the break room & steal all the good chocolate filled donuts..
Especially if it’s THAT one … 🤣
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
Welcome to parenting class. First I will need you to walk barefoot across this floor strewn with legos. Now try to make a dog clean a bedroom. Finally take that pile of money and set it on fire. Congratulations. You’re ready. Here is your baby.
*walking into Home Depot for 2nd time today*
EMPLOYEE: back again? forget something?
ME: um, you remember if I brought a kid in here with me last time?
My husband keeps borrowing and losing my tweezers, so I’m naming this chin hair after him
*Gets divorced*
*Deletes ‘actress’ from LinkedIn profile*
I wonder if those folks that wrote “Never change!” in my yearbook regret their choice of words.
It appears that children’s bladders get smaller as is gets darker outside.
This scientific hypothesis has been proven by my 7 year old coming out of the bedroom to pee five times in the last hour.
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
A dog barks in the distance. I look over at my own dogs.
“See how annoying that is?”
This nice guy next to me on the flight just offered to switch seats so I could sit next to my family.
“Oh they paid extra to have someone sit in between us so they don’t have to be near me.”
I’m pretty sure he didn’t realize it was a joke, and the flight is really tense now.
Last week, my sister ran a marathon. Today, she is rappelling down a skyscraper.
I’m starting to think one of us is adopted.
The face palm is the only houseplant you can’t kill
in hindsight, grumbling about my mother having 30 pairs of slippers was ill-timed in coinciding with the arrival of my 12 pairs of Old Navy flip-flops
Taylor Swift: Hey babe, could you make dinner tonight?
Taylor Swift’s bf: Aw babe I’m really tired tonight
Taylor Swift: (making direct eye contact, slowly reaching for guitar)
Taylor Swift’s bf: I’ll go check the fridge
worm: sorry i slept in hey where is everyone
I don’t honk at women because I don’t let a girl know she’s attractive with the same thing I use to scare ducks from in front of my car.