St Peter: sorry you didn’t get into heaven. your dog can come in though obviously
Me: [nudging my dog] remember all those times I got you into steakhouses
My dog: she’s my support person
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Girl, are you E=mc ²? Because I do not have the energy to figure out what is the matter with you.
Vegans think they will live longer than us, but they don’t realize they are 100 times more likely to be murdered mid conversation.
Just a reminder that Jingle Bells makes it sound like some grand adventure but a one-horse open sleigh is literally the cheapest sleigh you can get.
“I got kicked out of a golf tournament for heckling a player with a funny name.”
“Boo Weekley?”
“No. I yelled. Loudly.”
Dude turned from the ATM and tripped sending about eight 20s flying into my face.
I teared up a little.
I get strippers, I get it.
What happens in Vegas will most likely cost you a fortune in dry cleaning.
Friends: Get married. Have kids. Get a promotion. Travel the world.
Me: Still standing in the grocery store trying to get open a plastic produce bag.
doctor: your system is full of drugs
patient: you should see the other guy
doctor: what other guy
patient: you can’t see him
my boss: “keith you have 17 outstanding timesheets”
me: “they can’t be that good i haven’t done one in weeks”
My cell phone fell in the pool…now I know what it feels like to have someone you love drown.
GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
Always get worried when I see a “thieves operate here” sign. Who is letting thieves do surgery?
{Being rescued after 2 years on a deserted island}
HER:
ME:
HER:
ME:
HER: So, how did yo-
ME: I don’t know how I gained weight.
SON: Can we have ice cream for dinner?
ME: [already ate all the ice cream for breakfast] Sorry kid, that’s not a proper meal
You know you’re old when you start telling people how much cheaper things used to be.
The genie sang that whole song about how he’s gonna be Aladdin’s best friend ever right in front of the monkey
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable walking back and forth from the buffet at the Golden Corral
Yep, it’s true👇🏼😂😂😂
The first 12-16 hours after waking up are always the most difficult.
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
Amazon talking about show them proof I didn’t get the package 😒
At my funeral I want the priest to read out a long bit about how much I loved darts. I don’t love darts but my family and friends will be like “wow we never really knew him”.
Received a text from my son in his bedroom asking when I’d be home, while I was lying down in my bedroom, so yeah we’ve totally nailed social distancing
I always date mathematicians. That way when they ask why I’m breaking up w/them I can say DO THE MATH JERRY. Oh yeah & I always date Jerries
When I turned 18, my old man took us to the pub for my ‘first’ pint. Lovely gesture that was going really well until the bartender greeted me by first name and asked where the rest of my mates were.
If you didn’t want a bunch of dads to meander into your backyard, then you shouldn’t have revved up that chainsaw, Dale
*During sex*
Wife – *looking up* I thought I asked you to dust the ceiling fan.
My kids asked me how to spell desert and dessert so I told them to type it both ways and see what emojis pop up
The only thing I’ve ever dropped at midnight is my standards.
ZZ TOP: SHE’S GOT LEGS
ME: *imagining a woman with legs* nice
ZZ TOP: SHE KNOWS HOW TO USE THEM
ME: *imagining a woman walking* NICE