If you get banned off Twitter now, you get X-communicated
aaaaand send
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dryer: permanent press
me: ah yes. of course i know what that means.
maybe bears omly like honey so much becuase their throats hurt from all the growlimg they do
I’ll never be arm candy. I’m 50,
best I can be is an arm sandwich
The moral of Pinocchio is that lying is only bad if it’s really obvious.
[fire]
EVERYONE REMAIN CALM.
Use the stairs.
DO NOT use the elevators.We’re on the 12th floor…
*sigh*
I guess I’m dying in a fire.
Married with Children was much funnier on TV.
Judge: You ran over him
Me: It was an accident
Judge: Then you backed up over him
Me: To see if he was ok
My mother was feeling cold so now I’m wearing a sweater.
“Dave, come check this out! The squirrel in that tree hasn’t moved in like three hours. It’s freakin’ weird.”
The Purge but instead of all crime being legal all cheese related products are free
Him: I just had sex with that woman!
Me: She’s 60.
Him: I know.
Me: I Hope you used protection or you might have caught osteoporosis.
when the ice cream man drives down my street I walk alongside him screaming TAKE ME WITH YOU I WILL BEAR YOU MANY STRONG SONS
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
I made a grown man cry today in court.
But yet I can’t get my kids to clean their damn rooms.
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
Batman: *puts on glasses* Hey do I still look like Bruce Wayne?
Superman: Um obviously.
Batman: Think about that for a second.
Why do some wine bottles wear fishnet tights?
“Live each day like it’s your last”
Wow okay but that’s A LOT of flipping the bird at everyone
I’ve found that whenever God closes a door, Satan hands me a lockpick.
I am ideologically opposed to taking a spouse’s last name but I am intrigued by the idea of starting over with a fresh gmail account
My kidnappers are trying to leave but I bolted the doors shut lol
Forget about waking me up when September ends, wake me up when Backstreet’s back, alright?
[Controversial and unpopular statement]
I took Social Studies for so many years, but I still don’t know how to socialize
“Great, now I have to pee.”
Danny in Grease: I want this car to look cool
Kenickie: sure bro
Danny: and put in a part that makes it fly
Kenickie: wait what
Her: You know, I hear a lot of guys are celebrating St. Patrick’s Day this year with a quiet dinner at home.
Me: Yea, the nursing home…
Terrorist Threat Level: Porcupine
They say the best part of having sex with a mom are the snacks after, but you have to earn that. If the sex is mediocre you’re getting a glass of water and a little box of raisins.
Cheese is plural because you never eat just one chee