Gollum had a pretty sweet setup for a while. Cave where no one bothers him. Cool item to look at in his cave
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If video games taught me anything it’s that you don’t need to work because there’s precious gems just laying around everywhere.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
Patient: What is this?! Are you playing stupid with me girly?!
Me: I don’t play stupid
*slams fist on table* I EXCEL AT IT
Patient, now panicking: Wait what?
It’s not the amount of followers young GRASSHOPPER.
It’s the quality of followers.
[yelling to bartender in crowded nightclub] WHAT KIND OF CAPRI SUN FLAVORS DO YOU HAVE?
Cauliflower: *ring ring*
Textiflower: *ping*
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Ok so why don’t we just invent a word that DOES rhyme with orange?? Orange has had too much power for too long
Went gluten-free and already lost 15 friends in the first week!
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
I asked 14 to do me a favor, and he said, ”okay.” Then deliberately fell face first into the mattress on my bed.
Same kid, same.
*at store*
Random guy: Do you have the time?
Me: 6:30.
Random guy: Thanks. I lost my watch and I have no idea where I put the dang —
Me: Shhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhh. We’re done here.
[Central Park]
Me: the squirrels have been busy collecting nuts for the winter
Also me: can someone help me get down from this tree
My girlfriend said Valentine’s Day is really important to her so I can’t wait to see what she has planned for us
What if the weather talks about us?
accidentally vacuumed up my air guitar
They should fill the airbags with confetti to make car accidents more fun.
*crashes vehicle*
“OMG, my legs! Hey, a party!”
*dies smiling*
If I could have dinner with anyone, dead and alive, it would definitely be Schrodinger’s cat.
The Maze Runner. #MazeRunner
Wanna live a long life? Get married. I guarantee you’ll change your mind real quick.
Legit call from the school:
Principal: I just wanted to touch base with you. Your daughter was baiting seagulls into the playground with gummy worms and actually caught one; Like in her arms. It did bite her—not hard, but I needed to inform you that we filed an incident report
HER: Put down the bottle babe you have an alcohol problem.
ME: *spritzing doorknobs* I can stop any time I want.
Day 9: I mean, who needs New Year’s resolutions anyway
Does the writer who left the space blank get upset when a note is added that it was intentionally left blank?
*gets notification I’ve been added to your “Hi” list
adds you to my “No” list*
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
Today my battery went dead on my car key so I had to manually unlock it like the pioneers did.
Taylor Swift: Now we got bad blood.
Lab Technician: Damn it Taylor I told you to refrigerate that!
Animals that lose their tails visit the retail store.
So we agree when the zombies come we feed em the teenagers first, right?