A Clinton is running for POTUS, a Jurassic Park movie dominated the summer box office, and they found a knife on OJ’s property. It’s 1994.
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The setting my husband selects for our ceiling fan makes me think his end goal is to make me fly off the bed
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Inspirational Tweet:
Found the sock gone missing 7 weeks ago in today’s clean laundry.
Sometimes they come back, people. Keep the faith.
Playing Tubular Bells to end the baptism wasn’t quite the closing my aunt was looking for but in my defense it did clear out the church.
Cartoons led me to believe cities were filled with more folks trying to catch dogs in nets on sticks.
We spent $12,775 on daycare last year, for anyone currently using the pull out method.
Sorry can’t. Calling NASA and making alien noises
Whenever I’m worried I messed up with my wife I remember that time my brother gave an anniversary card to his current wife on the date of his first marriage
Why are trains so expensive? You going that way anyways, just drop me off
Rose: Paint me like your French girls.
Jack: With armpit hair?
My idiot doctor tried to tell me I had a concussion, so I told him triangle bananas.
“My phone’s about to die.” -Me, 30 seconds into every phone call ….
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
Me: before we have kids let’s see if we can keep this plant ali-
Wife: plant’s dead.
Me: ok no problem a plant isn’t a child, besides it’s not like we’re pregnant ye-
Wife: i’m pregnant.
Me: this is fine.
My son asked me why there’s so many wine bottles in the our recycling bin lately. I gave him twenty bucks and he walked away.
Parenting is easy
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
if I get married all my bridesmaids are going to be bats
[paper company]
business major: we need to move the stationeryphilosophy major: ah yes the classic paradox
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
Jesus died for our sins. But he was only dead for 3 days. So what did he sacrifice? His weekend. Jesus gave up his weekend for our sins.
Teens be like, “You know that crumbled up piece of paper that’s been on the table all week? I need it for school.”
Me: WOW. Look at those legs!
Her: Thank you.
M: They’d look great around my neck!
H: Hey!
M: Wish I’d brought my saw.
H: WHAT?!?
M: Nothing.
MY KID: I’m ready to go I just need to get my shoes on
ME: *visibly ages*
Conversations with my pets:
Me: Please could you
Dog: OF COURSE!
Me: I haven’t said what it
Dog: I LOVE YOU!Me: Please could you
Cat: No.
Actually, I’d rather you shut your talk-hole, not your pie-hole. If you have a hole that gives pie, I’m going in there, because HELLO PIE.
Took my 6 y/o daughter to a college football game and my dream of turning her into a fan quickly faded when she asked to go home in the first quarter because “we just watched this game on TV last week.”
mountain lion attacks are on the rise. especially in california. be prepared!
Her: Can you babysit?
Me: Uh, what do I do?
H: Play games & stuff.
M: Like drinking games?
H: He’s 2.
M:
H:
M: So like no hard liquor or…?
[vet office]
Hi I am here to drop my cat off. Just a check-up.
*doctor walks out*
“Hi, I am Dr. Curiosity we-
I’ll take my cat elsewhere
#IHaveJustEnoughMoneyTo pay my phone bill so I can call my credit card company to tell them I don’t have money to pay them.