my doctor: you should snack less, it can really hurt you in the long run
me: *nodding* no more running, got it
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look. life is bad. evryones sad. we’re all gona die. but i alredy bought this inflatable boumcy castle so r u gona take ur shoes off or wat
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then hung up.
I’m getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
Wife: The kids opened the “private” drawer in my nightstand.
Me: THE drawer?
Wife: Yeah.
Great. There go our Oreos.
When buying a car, let the salesperson know you’ve done your research. What pedal does what, where the engine goes, etc.
the hamster has finally figured out her wheel. is it possible for her to exercise too much? should I take the wheel out sometimes? I’m worried she’s about to start a fitness instagram
Buying more laundry baskets so I can avoid doing the laundry
Me: How do I beat the bully?
Dad: Just punch him
Me: I am not doing that
Dad: Or grow up, work hard, and be more successful and popular than him
Me: So like an uppercut?
No one runs faster than a 3 year old holding your iPhone.
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
this is what happens when everyone feeds the same stray
Woke up last night and the ghost of Gloria Gaynor was standing over my bed. At first I was afraid, i was petrified.
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Morningbreath
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I’m not sad, I’m big moaned
Fitness level – too much Popeyes, zero spinach
The full recap of tonight’s events can be heard on my wife’s podcast, “What kind of idiot doesn’t cover the chili before microwaving it?”
I thought the brakes on my car were squealing but it was just a Mariah Carey song on the radio.
Guy who treats establishing shots like people on here treat sex scenes. Rolls his eyes any time we see a building’s exterior. “The characters are inside. Why do we need to see what the house looks like from the street.” Loudly groans whenever someone pulls up somewhere in a car
don’t be scared
My 4yo held up her toy phone and announced she had “an important call to make.”
So I made sure to stay really quiet for a min because, respect.
Then I blasted the TV, begged for snacks, slammed doors & screamed “NOOOO” because, retribution.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Somebody asked me for a topless picture so I sent this and I can’t stop laughing about it.
At the end of “Grease,” the car just started flying and everyone was all, “Aw, good for them.”
me: im fine, everything’s fine
my search history: i beg to differ
doctor: your blood tests came back positive
me: oh thank god, I have real blood
[Speed Dating]
People act weird when I explain that I ate my twin in the womb, but when would have been the right time to do it?
wife: omg what are you doing?
me: wrapping presents
wife:
me:
wife: IS THAT ALUMINUM FOIL?!
One thing no one ever talks about being an adult is how much time you debate yourself on keeping a cardboard box because it’s, like, a really good box.
Feeling so jealous of the students in stone age. They didn’t have to study history too much because nothing had happened yet.
Time zones are amazing! Here in New Zealand it’s tomorrow, in America it’s yesterday and in North Korea it’s 1980.
Actually, this is my first rodeo. Why is that angry cow trying to kill me?