My boyfriend took me to dinner and insisted I order my food in a robot voice, so I took him to bed and insisted he make Chewbacca noises.
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Is there something I can hang around my neck to show that I’m a big fan of crucifixions?
Pretty sure it’s pronounced ASK body spray, thanks.
A cop pulled me over and said ‘papers’ I said ‘scissors’ and drove off. I win.
*Texting* “Yeah sorry I’ve just got something very important to do. You go without me.”
*Pan out to me laying on the bed with a pan of brownies*
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
You have to kiss a lot of short, black, flamboyant musicians before you can find your Prince.
u know that video of lions hugging that man after seeing him for the first time in several years. that’s what the raccoons do whenever i visit the dumpster behind my college dorm
My wife asked me to bring her home a dozen Roses, and I really hope she appreciates the gesture, because it took 9 hours, 5 nursing homes, and 2 church bingo games to collect them all.
my daughter just died of embarrassment when i accidentally appeared for two-tenths of a second in the background of her class zoom meeting. please respect my family’s privacy during this difficult time.
let’s hear it for plates that are bowls
December has 5 Saturdays.
FIVE.
That November salary will be fighting for its life.
“Two can play at that game”
-guy who’s confused about solitaire.
DARTH VADER: it’s so hard to date when you’re
STORMTROOPER: …an evil genocidal maniac?
DV: I was going to say a single dad. You’ve made it awkward now
My skin is so dry it’s doing a PowerPoint presentation
superman: hey can i borrow your ladder? i need to replace one of the lightbulbs on my kitchen ceiling
batman: dude, you can fly…
superman: oh yeah, good point. i can just fly to home depot and buy a ladder
batman: what
[After date, walking her to her door]
Her: Thanks. I would invite you in, but I don’t want to.
your honor my client chooses dare
[doing my stand-up comedy routine to an audience of crickets] guys, just tell me, are you enjoying this or not?
It’s not you, it’s me. When we met I was so young and optimistic.
-me, to the vegetables in my fridge
Fun prank: a YouTube white noise track of ten hours of “Rainfall In a Forest,” but, at the seven-hour point, you can hear two people walk past planning a murder
[commercial for soup]
NARRATOR: ever wanna drink a sandwich?
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
[first date]
me: don’t let her know you vocalise everything you think
her: what?
me: shit she knows
My dad never missed an opportunity to work during a family vacation. I never understood why until I had kids.
Time really flies when you when you’re down a man at a crime scene clean up.
if you have a weird name and appear in movie’s closing credits, i will find you and i will say you
When Prince Adam called upon the power of Greyskull and turned into He-Man, it didn’t make him bigger or stronger it just made him more naked
Someone should tell the Twitter ads I’m getting I can afford the next sub sandwich not ocean going vessel.