Snuck a peak at my therapist’s notepad after telling her about my childhood, and it was just dollar signs.
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Me on all social media accounts after taking one good picture
Me: Ok, I’m ready to sit down and really lock into work for the next hour.
My neighbor firing up a power saw at that exact moment: MUAHAHAHAHA
If you have streaks of purple, green or blue in your hair, I will try to eat that cotton candy off your head until you tell me to stop.
Following politics is fun cuz it combines the entertainment of reality TV with the thrill of possibly dying in real life
Jesus: *rises after three days*
God: (while reading newspaper) well look who decided to join us
[Drug deal]
How do I know you’re not a cop
-If I was a cop would I do this?
*Starts breakdancing*
Thats not as much proof as you think it is
there’s probably a fee though
The National Enquirer got a hold of my nudes and sent them back to me.
Babe are you okay? You’ve only opened one of your Amazon packages
Life is like a can of mixed nuts. No matter how hard you try to get all kinds, you’re always left with a bunch of peanuts in the end.
[shady nighttime meeting at the aquarium]
AQUARIUM EMPLOYEE: eels are already pretty slippery man
ME: shut up and help me butter them
Kidnapper holding me for ransom: *handing me phone* your parents want to talk to you so they have proof you’re alive
Me: can I just text them
.@rickygervais Ricky, if you can get Twitter to verify me, you will be the first atheist allowed into heaven.
Teaching my son to use social media for the first time ever, since he can’t see his friends. We’re working on the fine art of conversation and how not to respond to every girl with “sup.”
I went to AutoZone and asked for window shield wipers. Window shield. I can never go back.
Ways to get me naked:
1. Be hot
2. Be funny
3. Be alcohol
4. Pretend to be my gynecologist
10,000 chores when all you need is a nap
GF’s friend didn’t keep my Valentine’s gift a secret. So I had to embroider a towel for her too. Because, well, snitches get stitches.
If you’re searching for a woman who’s sweet and funny and has her life together then look no further because that one at the table behind me seems like she does.
Me: Mark from Boston, you’re on the air.
Therapist: You pretend to be a radio host to avoid confrontation.
M: Let’s take another call.
uber drivers love asking where you’re from even though they just picked you up from there
“I’ve got a couple of ideas I wanna run by you this afternoon,” my coworker threatened
Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
My dog: Look, they were over baked. Sooo, you’re welcome.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
*holds Snickers under bathroom stall*
Does this smell funny?
[introducing date]
Me: This is Linda, my date.
Her: You mean Lisa.
Me: This is Linda, my Lisa.