If your Facebook picture is a photo of a sunset or something inanimate, I’ll assume you have a dissociative identity disorder.
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There are three types of people:
1. Annoying people
2. Annoying people I am sleeping with
3. People I haven’t met
I finally ordered Life Alert. I’m not old I just do a lot of stupid shit
Eat food with the fridge open in front of the other food to establish dominance as well as prepare for the next feeding.
Doctor: Do you eat plenty of fruits and vegetables?
Me: *reminiscing about eating a whole chocolate Orange*
Yes, yes I do
*E=mcHammer
*when E is a constant variable that can’t be touched
So I’m Calling random stores & saying “Hey It’s Michael, Screw you guys, I quit!”…. There’s got to be a Michael at one of these places…
Hot chick at the bar just said that she’s gonna do something stupid tonight…
…I informed her that I only had a 1.75 GPA in high school.
CW: can i ask a stupid question
ME: sure u seem qualified
Easy come, Bismillah!
easy go, No, we
will you let will not let
me go? you go
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
*Hires life coach*
“Ok, the first thing we have to do is get you off this couch and get you moving!”
*Fires life coach*
me: no thanks I’m a vegan
person handing me a baby: what
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
Stop pissing me off or I’ll marry you
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
#NeverForget
my name is luke but my friends dont call me
Sorry Mormons, but I don’t trust any religion that believes you can handle three wives while drinking zero beers
Everyone is posting pictures of their Christmas tree on Instagram and I’m like oh shit I forgot to delete Instagram.
My son just asked me why anyone would want a “house phone” because they don’t even have any games on them. And then I died of old age
The auto parts store is like ‘get our free app’ as if I’m buying parts everyday. I only need this one thing.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
surgeon: how do you keep waking up and saying that
Good thing most planes have TVs. Nothings worse than having to look out the window at Earths sacred majesty from the point of view of angels
A Pringles Tube but for Donuts
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and I’m like “Get outta here boys! I didn’t get this chubby by sharing my milkshakes!”
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
this is awesome. I didn’t even know I had a first season. W
A cannibal passes a Girl Scout cookie stand. “How many girl scouts are these cookies made of?” he asks with a large smile on his face.
Jesus: “BRAINS!”
*everyone looks scared*
Jesus: “Just kidding! I’m fine, I’m fine.”
ME: [spotting Diane across the room] Diane!
ANNE: ARE YOU THREATENING ME?!