I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
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He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
if you can’t handle me at my worst, you’re probably that gutless Outback Steakhouse shift manager who called the cops on me last night
me: i know people call you a rescue, but, honestly, you rescued me
stale doughnut i pulled out of the trash:
My wife’s favorite position is where I’m bent over the kitchen sink doing the dishes.
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
“I’M NOT LIKE OTHER GIRLS!!!”
(Seductively takes baby dragon out of Gucci purse & lights cigarette.)
i was so happy to be snuggled on the couch with both my kids when my sweet daughter turned to me, patted me and sweetly said “mommy you have a big big tummy”
parenting is not for the faint of heart
Well, my grandmother will be happy to know that Gypsies are not as much of a threat as she anticipated.
If someone offers you nuts by asking “Cashews?” and you don’t answer “God bless you” they will take away your dad card.
“What that moth do?”
– Me after hearing the bug lamp explode
Me: What are you going to be when you grow up?
4: I’m going to be a mom.
Me: That sounds fun!
4: No, it won’t be.
Walks up in da club like
“Has anyone seen my Mom? She’ll be the one trying to cover up everyone’s cleavage.”
If I was planning a heist, I simply wouldn’t hire the guy who always loses his temper and kills somebody
Actually, I want to be a robot for Halloween
-my 3 yo, just before noon, October 31
*about to die*
Me: AAAAAAHHHH!!
*life flashes before my eyes*
Me: Oh, right.
My family is playing Monopoly so no it won’t be a silent night
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
Am I in my mid 30s? Yes.
Will I ever stop ending professional phone calls with “bye-bye”? NO.
lol
I shaved my legs for this, which means this doctor appointment is a date now.
Apparently at some point in history, hotcakes sold quite briskly.
[Friday 5pm]
Me: *shutting down computer*
Computer: have a good weekend 🙂
[Monday 8am]
Me: omg you’re still on
Computer: *shaking from exhaustion* would u like to save this
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
HUSBAND: What should Santa get you for Christmas?
ME: A tennis ball machine filled with mini donuts?
HUSBAND: Powdered or chocolate?
ME: I love you.
you know you drank too much when you wake up and your liver is on the pillow next to you crying.
“I am the way and the truth and the life and the muthafuckin’ shizznit.” (Snoop 4:20).
Pepsi and Coke can’t even be in the same restaurant together and society wants us all to get along. Pffftt.
As an adult you should already know shit like if you’re standing in the rain you should wear a rain coat and if you’re standing in a trench, you should wear a trench coat
Mom texted that she’s enjoying a no tech day, and I think it may be time to explain some things to her.