Float like a jellyfish, sting like a jellyfish.
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I asked my cousin why he eats the burger first and he’s like imagine I die whilst eating the chips
When I say I’m “going through something” I usually mean a family size box of croissants
I love working puzzles with my 5yo. Especially when she cries that she can’t figure out where the pieces go then yells at me when I try to help.
Test results are in, you might want to have a seat
“I’d rather stand”
Are you sure? You have “Falls Down When Gets Bad News” disease
*Thud*
God: How’s it going on Earth
Angel: They made a mayonnaise flavored ice cream
God: Send a flood. Send several floods
If I were Jesus I would be seriously spooked by all the buildings with giant crosses.
Watching my coworkers split a cupcake three ways was more upsetting than the first time I missed my period.
Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN…. GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
How the hell did Charles Manson get like 16 people to murder for him? I can’t even get two kids to brush their teeth.
enough about microplastics. wanna try some macroplastics. i’m eating a frisbee
And on the 8th day, God created atheists and said, “Oh man, you’re not gonna believe this.”
? 💀
[Wendy’s]
Me: *confidently walking up to the counter after they got my order wrong* i’d like to speak to wendy
Inuits have 50 words for snow. Brits have 50 things named pudding
What I lack in moves on the dancefloor I more than make up for in dancing around a conversation
I wish my kids are as committed to turning off the lights as they are at forcing their way into my bathroom to say “You’re eating my Kit Kats!”
One time a guy came up to me at a bar and said “do you like air conditioning” and I said “yea” and he said “me too.” and he just walked away. I miss him everyday
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
warning lights and gentle chimes are not enough, when my car is low on gas I need it to punch me in the face
Me: HALLOWEEN!!!
Ween: Hallo!
Yesterday, Trump spoke to two female American astronauts while they were in space. Not only did they make history being the first crew to perform an all-woman spacewalk, they also made history by being the first women to speak to Trump at a distance that was probably pretty safe.
If I ever spend over $300 on shoes, they better have some James Bond shit in them.
The neighbors are angry, but I work during the day & I would like to know what time other than night do they expect me to complete the kind of blasting needed to begin the construction of my backyard hydroelectric dam?
Not now mom I’m downloading a new virus from Limewire
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
I was going to make myself a belt made out of watches but then I realized it would be a waist of time.
STORY TIME
my skin is a few shades darker than my siblings on either side, so I stood out.
one time when I was about 5, a woman looked at all of us and asked
“are you tan from the sun!?”
and i said
“no i’m nate from earth”
YOU ASKED IF YOU COULD PET HER, NOT IF SHE BITES, MEGAN.
Either this apartment is haunted or someone has been filling the sink with dishes & leaving notes that say, “You still owe $89 for cable.”
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.