I’m voting for whichever candidate agrees to lower the price of printer ink.
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I ate a kid’s meal today at McDonald’s.
His mom got really mad.
The most inquisitive of all the dinosaurs was the philosoraptor.
Don’t forget to wash your hands and then go back to using the phone you haven’t cleaned since you got it
They say 1 out of every 5 humans is Chinese.
Out of me and my 4 siblings, I’m pretty sure it’s either Carl or Liu Yang.
CARPET SALESMAN: [sighing, handing me another sample] What about this one for your bedroom?
ME: Hmmm no that one is also far too small
I need to pick up a random hunky guy in a bar, bring him home, have him invite a friend, and THEN mention that I need furniture rearranged
Is 4 too young to release your kid out into the wild?
*narrows eyes*
You wouldn’t write it like that unless you poisoned the firgs
*in court*
judge [belches]: pardon
me: thank you!
hey, teens who listen to classic rock: you were probably conceived to some of your favorite songs.
I am cool with January lasting forever because rent is due February 1
The only problem with teaching little kids to share is that sometimes they want some of my stuff
breakfast, the most important beer of the day
hands across america, but it’s just my kid touching every damn surface he sees
Him: How many glasses of wine have you had today?
Me: One, but it was in the shape of a giant bottle.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
[Trying to hire a hitman]
“Yes, I’d like to buy one murder please.”
I tried to let the wine breathe but it needed mouth to mouth.
So who’s the hero now?
There should be an Olympic event that requires participants to remove a single cube from an ice cube tray.
Shall I compare thee to a wooly worm?
Thou art more fuzzy and more ravenous
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Unfortunately, Superman won’t be able to fight Dracula this evening…
.
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.
.
.
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He won’t go near the crypt tonight.
I take my ibuprofen wrapped in cheese cause why should my dog have all the fun?
Bread:
-Good
-Tasty
-Has not yelled at me
-Is bread
-Can be eaten
-Might sing (unconfirmed)
-Only contains more bread within (confirmed)
-Does not treat me differently just because I am not bread
-Has never attacked me
-Is not something bad like falling over or never eating bread
Never tell me to “make myself at home”…i’m just gonna eat all your cheese and then take a nap.
Once upon a midnight dreary, While I pondered my next mealy, Came an empty tapping, a rapping at my pantry door. Quoth the Ramen “ever poor”
Government: You can flee Athens as an exile, or you can die.
Socrates: Oh ok I’ll just die
Government: You can just like… go move somewhere else.
Socrates: Yeah, but packing :-/
I like the idea in Star Trek that universal audio translators are a thing by the 23rd century. That means around the 22nd century we just get special glasses that show subtitles
ladies, imagine this: its 15 years from now. u did it. your time machine worked