Who called it girl math and not galgebra?
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Me: Not today, Satan.
Her: Mom, stop calling me that.
She said she liked animals but apparently all the fruit flies around my apartment was a “turn off”
My neighbor keeps going fly fishing, but every time he comes back with just a bunch of fish. Those flies are crafty and whatnot.
Hungover this morning, just accidentally flushed my toilet again right after I’d flushed it and found myself apologizing to it, aloud. So I guess quarantine has turned me into a Canadian?
BFF: do you ever have those weeks where you don’t want to work out, eat what you want and be lazy?
Me: *eating cheesecake with my hands while laying on a lounge chair* nope.
Do ghosts call their girlfriends “boo”? Bet all that gets pretty confusing.
Finding lettuce in my bed can only mean one of two things…
1. I was sleep eating tacos again
2. A vegan broke in & was trying to kill me
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Objects in motion tend to resent objects on the couch not in motion.
Head and Shoulders should make a body wash called ‘Knees and Toes’
Your third emoji is.. Just kidding. I’m an adult.
Fun Prank:
Use Bluetooth to play 30 second blasts of Napalm Death on your neighbours stereo. They’ll think they have a poltergeist and move
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Every person over 50, every Autumn: It sure is a pretty Fall this year, although not as pretty as last year.
You look like someone who keeps gloves in their glove compartment.
Me [giving spelling test]: infinite…Infinite… I have an “infinite” amount of peanut butter in my pantry.
Student: that’s impossible
Me: I assure you, it’s not
For once I would like to get through an entire work day without my boss waking me up.
I should probably wait a few days to drive my new F35 to work, huh
DOCTOR: If you don’t exercise, there’s really no point in dieting.
ME: I can’t wait to tell my wife the good news.
I can’t believe it’s so cold I have to wear gloves inside. I mean I’m not even robbing anything or trying not to leave fingerprints
I remember when you had to subscribe to Reader’s Digest to read jokes this bad.
The bright side of global warming is that 100% of our great grandchildren will own beachfront property.
If you asked me to bring a dish to your party,
just know that I snacked on it the whole way to your house.
My thoughts are as pure as snow… after the trucks have driven hard and plowed through it.
everytime IT tells me to clear my cache and cookies i imagine giving away my money and treats
ME: Off to the concert with my friends
WIFE: Say hi to everyone for me[later]
ME [individually saying hi to 10,000 ppl] This is exhausting
WHAT DO WE WANT?
A NAP!!
THEN WHY ARE WE YELLING?
Yes my dude
Why aren’t there any horror movies called “My 4 year old fell asleep in the car at 5pm”
[Rose from Titanic teaching her kid to ride a bike]
*holding back of seat* I’ll never let go
[2 seconds later]
*lets go*