nothing is funny anymore becuase nothing is normal anymore. i saw a pigeon on the subway today and thought “how did a pigeon make $2.75”
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if u choke a Smurf what color does it turn
the holes in my logic are there so it can breathe
the economy’s so bad that all the online submarine experts from last year had to become bridge experts
Independence Day was basically aliens blew shit up and then we gave them a copy of Windows and won the war.
ME: *3D prints a girlfriend* Hey baby
3D Girlfriend: *3D prints a boyfriend* I have a boyfriend
Me texting a friend: I miss you!
Friend: I miss you! What are you doing this weekend? Let’s hang out!
Me: . . .
(one week later)
Me: I miss you!
I told my mom I dreamt I was an autumn leaf and she thought that was super weird, so you can see why I hesitate to mention the portal opening up behind the spice rack.
Neutrons are the Switzerland of subatomic particles.
When a 230 lb man yells from the shower for a towel, but you hand him a face cloth, he won’t find it nearly as funny as you do.
Website: are you a robot?
Cyborg: *sweating activated*
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “hey, that one over there is shaped like an alcoholic”.
if i was a conductor of an orchestra, i would abuse my power by making them warm up to a stirring rendition of “ice, ice, baby.”
DRY CLEANER: …are these
ME: yes, Taco Bell hot sauce stains
DRY CLEANER: but it’s an…
ME: yes, I realize it’s an ascot
I’ve sustained two tea-pouring injuries so far this week. Suffice it to say I won’t be moving to London anytime soon.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
Heroic Misunderstanding
My daughter had a spider in her room but she lost it, and now she wants to move. I told her to stop being dramatic and she would probably just swallow it tonight so nbd
if you are what you eat, my dog is my favourite pair of shoes
My kid lost a tooth and plans to put it under her pillow tonight so the Easter Bunny and the Tooth Fairy can meet and hopefully make a love connection and I am HERE FOR IT
Me: It makes me so happy that after all of these years I still take your breath away.
Wife: Just hand me my inhaler.
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
[arriving in hell]
me: i didn’t know i’d have to wear what i died in forever
satan: where did you even find denim underwear
Here’s a common scam that is going around that you should know about:
Sometimes cats will meow at you like they haven’t been fed, but in fact someone DID feed them and they’re just trying to get fed again
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
You can literally say “the night is young” at any time of day or night. Nobody is policing this.
40% of North American teens can’t even find ISIS on a map. Talk about ignorant
I ate a banana so big that my Facebook relationship status automatically changed from “Married” to “It’s Complicated.”
Him: How does my football throw look to you?
Me: Like you’re good at science…
People will smugly use shrove tuesday to say you can have pancakes any day of the year, and then get weird when I respond by holding mistletoe over their head.
I’ll bet when Godzilla first came out, God was like “Damn, that name’s way cooler.”