[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
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carving our initials in a hotdog before it’s boiled
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
Streaming Service: We think this wholesome comedy would be great!
Me: hmmm
Streaming: How about thoughtful calm drama parallel of life
Me: 🤔
Streaming: ok…how about a depressing cult docu-series that will fill you with a rage that will not die
Me: ya ya that’s the one
[flops on the ground like a fish whenever I have to make a decision]
ugh fine
…i guess since i’m a
pisces i’ll marry aquaman
Excited for my new sour patch kids diet. I think this is the one
I’m getting tired of my husband always borrowing lotion that I stole from his gym bag.
Jesus steals the winter solstice
My friend’s 6-year-old was being obnoxious.
The mature thing to do was to tell him to settle down.
I challenged him to a rap battle.
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.
“Dadd-”
“No.”
“You don’t even know what I was going to say!”
“You’re wearing your Superman costume and standing beside the ladder. No.”
You’ve ripped the husband stick figure off your minivan, but also the cat stick figure. This is a story I want to hear.
THEY’RE over THERE worrying about THEIR grammar, while YOU’RE right here concerned with YOUR punctuation. YOU’RE welcome TO share this, TOO.
I always wanted to run a pharmacy and put “Seriously, TMI” on all the receipts.
“Easy like Sunday morning” implies that Sunday is the most sexually promiscuous day of the week.
Sunday, slutty Sunday.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Guy down the street wanted to borrow a wrench so I asked him adjustable, box or open ended, he said the adjustable one you borrowed six months ago.
Was trying to get shots of my new hair and you can see exactly the moment I spotted the enormous daddy long-legs on the wall
[first date]
Me: I collect taxidermy
Him: Really, taxidermy?
Me: It’s a family thing[later, at my place]
Me: Feel free to hang your coat on my stepmom
I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.
I don’t need lip fillers. I have two toddlers constantly head-butting me.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
So sick of all these stupid rules
MIDDLE EAST: How can we stop ISIS?
EUROPE: How can we save our economy?
AMERICA: What color is this dress?!
The definition of confidence: when you go to the toilet with 3 devices in your pocket.
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
My daughter asked me if you have to get married when you’re older and when I told her no she said “good that looks like too much work”
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
One time in LA I heard a girl tell her friend she made out in an Uber on a date then asked her friend “What’s the farthest you’ve ever gone in an Uber?” and her friend replied “Burbank.” and I’m convinced even Mel Brooks couldn’t have written a better setup and punchline.
Mother in law said if she was married to me, she’d poison my wine. I said if I was married to her, I’d drink it.