It’s like my therapist always says, “Please, put on your pants.”
You Might Also Like
Imagine you know a guy named Gary, & Gary calls his car the Garymobile & insists that you do, too. What I’m saying is Batman is a douche
[greeting aliens]
Hello, we are the smartest animals on this planet. Every week we give the grass a little haircut
How to place cats on green screens using Adobe After Effects everywhere
Me: *Living in the US for 16 years*
Me: *Calls mom in India everyday 9PM*
Mom: *Everyday* What time is it there?
#TrueStory
[Interview with a time traveller]
“What’s life like in the year 3000?”It’s pretty much the same as 2015 but you can download a towel
[Updates Christian Mingle bio]
“Just like Moses, I pay attention to the bush first”“You have 999 new matches”
*Runs across campus to get to class on time*
Whew! I made it!
*Sits in the back and browses Twitter for an hour and a half*
grocery shopping hungry is way more interesting than full, hungry me is down to eat anything and everything
Role playing in the bedroom was fun until my wife gave me a speeding ticket.
Guys, my heart is broken. Utterly broken.
I’ve been married more than 10 years. A whole decade and I guess even that’s not enough to fully know a person
I came home early today from work to surprise my wife. I opened the door and walked in on her watching “twilight” on Netflix
chiropractor: so how’s your back been?
backstreet: alright
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
Alarm system? Yeah right. I’ll defend my home the way my ancestors would have. A series of large painted portraits with peepholes for eyes.
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
I wonder if the guy I’m interviewing knows this isn’t for a cologne model position.
Pandas are such weird, unserious bears. There’s no way they don’t get laughed out of the room at the Bear Council.
4-year-old: Will you ever love me more?
Me: I already love you as much as I possibly can.
4: I’d love you more if you bought a pool.
me: gimme something strong
[bartender sets down an ant] this little guy can carry 50 times his own body weight
There’s an expiration date on this bottle of Bailey’s lmao
every time i take my cat for a walk on the beach i imagine how mind blowing it is for him to be in a giant litter box
I’ve never owned a pair of spanx that didn’t eventually own me.
I bring my Roomba to parties, so I’m not the most awkward thing moving throughout the room.
Sir, those are my emotional support chrome tabs
A mom at my son’s baseball game was drinking beer in the stands and what kind of message is she sending to all these young impressionable kids by openly enjoying an adult beverage and not sharing with all the adults sitting by her
Person at an event: oh hi, I know you from twitter
Me: …sorry remind me?
Person: *says his name, full job title, things we talked about*
Me: …er…?
Person: my profile picture is a banana?
Me: Banana!!! How are you?! So great to meet in real life!
Survivor, except it’s just me holding in my pee while talking to a guest at work.
Wife: the baby needs changing
Me: I don’t know, I kinda like her
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.
I used to worry I was too sexy to be taken seriously. Life has proven me wrong, but not in the way I’d hoped
Welcome to Cupcake Yoga! NomNomaste.