The date was going horribly until I brought out my tambourine.
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The human body is incredible. Right now, if I so desired, I could do 15 percent of a backflip and wreck my shit right here on the sidewalk.
ERMAHGERD YOO GIZE…
someone told me today that young people can’t afford homes because we spend all our money on “toys like boats and ATVs” and now I am desperate to meet the one Millennial Hell-Child commuting from their basement apartment in a speedboat and giving us all a bad name.
I was a better person when I bought this lettuce.
Friend: Let’s get together! What’s your calendar look like next week?
Me: Same picture of a dog on it till next month
[reclining with sliced cucumber on my eyes]
My passengers: “Aaaaaaaaaaah!”
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
If you want me to die in a horrible accident tell me there’s an ice cream bar at the top of a spiral staircase.
me: this was fun
demon haunting me: this was not a date
me: text me when you get home
demon: ok
Hike in groups. Bears like to have options
just saw a bunch of tourists take a selfie with a bunch of cops. this is why we must ban tourism
3-year-old: I need a scarf.
Me: No, you don’t.
3: To tie up bad guys.
She needs a scarf.
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
Wonder what happened to all the kids in middle school who flipped their eyelids inside out at recess
Understand men, or die trying.
Or try dying.
Or quit trying.
Or lie crying.
Or cry tweeting.Or tweet trying, to understand men.
Do you prefer to travel by gravy train or gravy boat
I wish I could get bitten by a radioactive confident person.
20 yr old mom: my child is my life I would give my own life for him
40 yr old mom: GET OFF THE INTERNET RIGHT NOW OR I WILL END YOU
Me after doing 3 pushups: Am I swole yet? I feel swole.
17: Please stop.
Me: haha should I get out and push
Everyone on The Submarine: YES
Me: *holding my dog* it’s his 3rd birthday so technically he’s 21
Bouncer: Still no
I have learned to sneak up on my work colleagues and sit down without them noticing, just to have them turn around see them nearly shit themselves.
Pro Tip : Give the person interviewing you “something to remember” doesn’t means giving them a bite mark.
Putting a carrot next to you in bed can almost fill the space where Megan used to slep
Me: ’til death do us part
Her: ’til death do us part
Death: *cracks open beer* Imma watch them suffer a while
Picked my kid up from a playdate at a pristine home and the mom said “excuse the mess” so I guess that’s the end of that friendship
My daughter came downstairs an hour earlier than normal this morning and caught me hiding eggs. I had no choice but to tell her the truth: I woke up early to steal the candy that the Easter Bunny had left her.
breaking into your house and inventorying your pantry so you know what you need the next time you go to costco
ME: can I buy u a drink
HER: I’ll take a rain check
ME: mmm that sounds good [to bartender] 2 rain checks, please
therapy: $90/hr
saying “it eez what it eez”: $0