I love how Men’s bathing suits sometimes have that tiny pocket where you can hold two quarters, just in case you’re paying to get on the Ferris Wheel in 1922
You Might Also Like
Lost fighter jets are always in the last place you look.
Boeing: we fixed all the problems
Passengers: is that Flex Seal?
doktor: did you get a drug test?
me: nah I know what I’m on
It’s bad enough that I have to die someday, having my whole life flash before my eyes first just seems excessive
I went to church today just to thank God I’m not Miley Cyrus.
If you’re asking me to choose sides, I’ll always choose potato salad.
[Orange Juice on tinder]
TINDER: “You have a match!
Orange juice: “Oh great!”
TINDER: “It’s toothpaste.”
Orange juice: “Oh no.”
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[Phone]
WIFE: Where the hell are u
ME: Well u know that jewellers where u saw that ring u love?
W: omg YES!
ME: I’m petting a dog near there
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS
I appreciate commercials that specify “shipped directly to your door” because I’m so tired of delivery people throwing packages on my roof or burying them in my yard
Me: You and your brother need to stop arguing
Daughter: If we do, he and I will join forces and become more powerful than you can imagine.
Me: Uh, good point. As you were.🙄
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
Why is it so dry under the lawn chairs? Cause the lawn canopy
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Pete Davidson always knows what’s different about you when you ask
I think the lady at the movies is “shushing” me, but I can’t tell because I’m eating Doritos.
click on one injured animal rescue video, the algorithm just goes “Oh you like this” & shows you dogs getting run over by lawnmowers forever
It’s always funny when the flight attendant says “we know you have a choice of airlines” as if free will exists.
They charge you for the groceries and then they charge you for the toilet paper when you turn the groceries into poop. Open your eyes
I need to get my HR lady, mom and girlfriend together so they can more efficiently scrutinize my every move and thought.
[2 men standing in an empty basement together]
Man 1: “Alright, maybe we should tell a few people about Fight Club.”
If you can’t handle me at my worst you don’t deserve to throw rocks at glass houses where I roll but collect no moss.
Who called it baking and not making love
Just as the siren’s song lures sailors to their doom on the rocks, the ding of the microwave calls the unwitting to destroy the roof of their mouth on the molten cheese of the Hot Pocket.
Me: I changed your diapers, I cook our meals – I basically spend my days doing things to take care of you. Pretty sure I can pour fake tea correctly
My 4-year-old:
Me:
4-year-old: You’re spilling.
Exact revenge because who wants to approximate revenge?
What a lot of people don’t understand about mountain climbing is that don’t do that.
♫ Is this the real life?
Are you a manatee?
Let’s beat up french fries
I should lay off the LSD ♫
*waves arm in the direction of the lake*
One day, all this will be yours.
12: Are you threatening to drown me?
Me: Just make your bed, k?