A Citizen’s Arrest for the next person who asks me if I’m ready for Christmas.
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*sees a truck*
Nice.*sees a trucker*
Oh, impressive.*sees a truckest*
Ah yes. This is what I came for.
That 0.1% of bacteria that no household product can kill is what will inherit our earth
Dr: He has a lot of blockage
“So my Dad has a bad heart?”
Dr: He also donates to charity
“So he has a good heart?”
Dr: Ya, it evens out
My dog and I are just drivin around, listenin to music and OMG DOG DO YOU EVEN HAVE A LICENSE? PAWS AT 10 AND 2. DO NOT FOLLOW THAT SQUIRREL
Young couple: “She has the most adorable laugh!”
Married couple: “Her laugh is like if a braying donkey swallowed a kazoo.”
Pac-Man: what’s for dinner?
Ms Pac-Man: 🌕🌕🌕
Pac-Man: again?
Ms Pac-Man: you’re welcome to eat a ghost if you can find one
Why are Diva Cups only for women why can’t I win one.
How apt that, after listening to “hold music” for an hour, I need a hug.
You ever notice how when you get home from food shopping, the kids turn into airport security?
The inventor of Gogurt has died. He would like you to open his urn along the dotted line and splatter half the ashes all over your shirt.
My dad lied a lot. I was 17 before I realized the ‘Silver Table Cat’ wasn’t a real species, and that we didn’t own a pet, we owned a toaster
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
Dear axe body spray,
Could you Please put a suggested spray size on your deodorant bottles.
Best regards,
Asphyxiated girls everywhere.
One of my headlights is messed up and I have to give it a smack to turn it on so it’s kinda like dating.
Daddy can u get me a drink?
“No, you’re 5yo you can get your own drink”
Fine *goes to fridge
“While you’re there can you grab me a beer?”
[last day at job]
“You’ve made my life a misery, I hate you all”
[remembers my car is in the garage and I need a lift]
“Not you tho Phil”
My grandpa is on his third wife. The first, I called Nana. The second, I called Mawmaw. Look, I don’t have another cute name in me. That’s just Brenda.
What this place needs is a revival of the narrator tweets.
Narrator: No, that’s the last thing this place needs.
Some of you Game of Thrones nerds clearly never watched Dexter drive a boat into a hurricane with his dead sister on board after leaving his young son in the care of a known serial killer so he could go become a lumberjack… and it shows.
I was talking to someone and combined “all good” and “no worries” by saying “all worries”. Which was a lot more accurate.
My teen complained that he didn’t like the dinner I made so I told him to be sure to leave his Yelp review & also, I don’t care.
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
COP: are you armed
ME: yes
COP: your “love gun” doesn’t count
ME [sadly]: then no
Nicki Minaj washes off her Halloween make up to reveal Lady Gaga who washes her face to reveal Madonna who washes her face to reveal an Emu.
Thinking it’s a not a good thing when the pizza delivery guy knows my dog by name.
If you want to receive a text message every 3 minutes for an hour, send your husband to the grocery store.
I can’t believe there’s a sex offender registry. Who’s buying gifts for these people?
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
I saw a dad peeing at a urinal while holding his kid on his shoulders and I was so in awe of his dad skills I just gave him my kid to raise. He’s better off now.