Before quarantine my husband used to eat like 5 Doritos and then fold the bag and put it away and since we’ve been in quarantine HE STILL DOES THE SAME THING I mean has this situation taught him nothing
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Mom Octopus: *opens bedroom door* What’s up?
Son Octopus: *slams laptop* Nothing!
Mom Octopus: YOU BETTER NOT BE LOOKING AT PRAWN AGAIN
*takes a long, hard drag on a candy cigarette*
According to the CDC, the leading cause of death in 2016 was having a career in the 80’s that brought you any level of fame
What does my tattoo mean? It means I couldn’t be trusted with $200 when I was 18
I made up a new language yesterday right after I broke my toe.
Dads lose their shit when it starts raining and the sprinklers are running
Me:
Remember when we didn’t have electronics in our face all the time? Sometimes I miss that.Also me:
My pizza delivery tracking won’t load?
I AM NOT MADE FOR THIS PRIMITIVE WAY OF LIFE.
me: for lent i’m giving up kids
kids: what?
me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God
What did the little champagne bottle call his father?
Pop!
A sense of humor is key to a good marriage. For example, my husband makes fun of himself and I laugh and he laughs. I make fun of myself and I laugh and he laughs and I go dead silent.
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
[blind date]
HER: I love classic rock.
ME: (trying to impress) I’ve been to Stonehenge.
only writing recipes in wordart from now on
As the parent of a 5yo boy, I can name all the dinosaurs and none of my coworkers.
Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
OMG I forgot to read my horoscope and now I have no idea what life has in store for me today!!!!!!
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
I speak 3 languages. Unfortunately no one else in the world speaks 2 of them.
You know who inspires me? The 0.01% germ nobody can kill.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Truth. 😆😭😮💨
What kind of bait does a librarian use when he goes fishing?
A bookworm!
#RubbishJokes #AmazingFacts
#ThursdayThoughts #ThursdayVibes
They say do one thing every day that scares you, which is why every single day, I get a colonoscopy
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
*Driving by multiple car pile up with police/ambulance on the scene*
Me: Not interested.
*driving by hot chick*
Me: Maybe just a quick glance.
*driving by any home with an open garage*
Me: Oh, damn. Look at all those power tools. Plus that freezer. I gotta drive by again.
If you give someone some Beethoven CDs for a gift and they don’t like it, you can always take them Bach
The most unbelievable part of the Bible is a 32-year-old man with twelve close friends.
Not now kids. Mom is racing her rubber duckies in the bathtub and this time I really think Javier is going to win.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”