Good morning
You Might Also Like
“The ship is sinking!”
Me (calmly): bring me noodles, tomatoes, and cheese
“You can save us with that?”
Me (making one last lasagna): what
A horror movie but the killer wears flip flops so there’s an ominous “thwip thwip” sound as he hunts you down.
If you cut your goat in half you’ll have two goats, that’s just simple math.
[2 cavemen]
Look what me discover! This game changer!
*grabs it* “This hot! Burn fingers. What you call it?”
*takes back mixtape* FIRE!
There’s plenty of fish in the sea except when you’re fishing, or single.
There are 3 kinds of players on my child’s soccer team:
Those who play to win, those who come to socialize, and those who put war paint on their face with dandelions.
Good cop: we found her body in the river
Cop who doesn’t want people knowing he can’t swim: I was sick that day otherwise I’d have found it
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Me: I dropped my phone in the toilet
Wife: Have you tried rice?
Me: *deep sigh* Of course, but this isn’t the time for a snack, Linda
Professor X: So what’s your power?
Me: I can heal immediately-
X: Oh, we already have someone that can do that.
Me: -from any emotional wounds.
X: That’s dumb. You can’t join the team.
Me: I’m completely ok with that.
The bad news: climate change threatens 1 in every 4 species with extinction.
The good news: you’re one of them.
Dads love saying, “I can see 3 eggs from where I’m standing that you haven’t found yet.”
You answer the door and see me calmly standing in front of you covered in a red viscus liquid. You scream before I can ask to borrow more ketchup for our slip’n slide.
Not to say I’m reckless, but my guardian angel wears a blindfold.
*6 opens piggy bank*
Me: wtf where’d you get all that?
6: mommy said I could take $1 out of your wallet each day bc you’d never know
I just imagined what it would be like to cut eyeholes in a slice of provolone cheese and wear it like a mask. So yeah I’m fine.
People used to dress as monsters for Halloween. Now they dress as characters from shows you don’t watch.
me: hey it smells like upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling in here
therapist: what’s upmanyoudontneedcouplescounselling?
me: haha right on, cya guys
wife: wha-
therapist: omfg he’s so smooth why would you ever wanna leave him?
Don’t put all your eggs in one sandwich.
For the record, I love my children unconditionally and no amount of diarrhea will ever change that.
Probably.
Kids nowadays don’t know how easy they have it with their Google, back in my day, we all thought the lyrics to Informer were “Informah, yaknowfeyameeeblaaan, a lickyboomboomdowwwn” and we just had to accept it.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
I’ve tried everywhere so I can confirm that there is no snooze button on a baby.
“I do not negotiate with little kids”
My husband, right before he broke down and gave the kid what he wanted
My daughter still doesn’t understand this math problem even though I’ve explained it in several different frustrated tones.
My boss told me I look tired, so now I call her mom.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
My cause of death will probably be something stupid like, she was running from a swarm of bees and got hit by a dumptruck.
Tiptoeing would be much more fun if your toes made that tinkling sound like they do in cartoons.