I’m withholding sex from my wife right now but she won’t realize it for 6 to 8 weeks.
You Might Also Like
A cooking competition where contestants make whatever they want but my husband wanders around the kitchen and stands in front of the drawer they need
me: ah, now I will drift gently off to dreamland.
refrigerator: I SHALL MAKE US SOME ICE CUBES
Please excuse the state of my house, it will be clean if you can come back in 2053 when all my kids have moved out.
“Deb, every year I tell you I don’t want to do a holiday card, you tell me it will be fine, and then Junior does something obnoxious in the photo that you claim is ‘cute.’ And look, we’re right on schedule.”
ME AS SATAN: *holding a pitchspork*
For my 40th birthday present, my husband replaced a pan that he broke and that’s how I know he’ll never be able to leave me for another woman
zordon: YOU ARE MY POWER RANGERS
9th graders: whoa!
zordon: HERE ARE THE KEYS TO THE MEGAZORD
9th graders: but we don’t even have our driver’s licens–
zordon: GO GO POWER RANGERS
When you’re married, it’s important for you both to work on keeping the magic alive and chained up in the basement where it can’t escape.
one time i hooked up with a guy who had his own recorded music on his sex playlist
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
Happy one month anniversary to whatever is inside that Tupperware bowl in the back of the fridge!
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
My former co-worker’s neighbor’s cousin
Facebook: “You may know this person. Add friend?”
DOCTOR: “How do you feel about taking medication?”
ME: “Uh, fine, I guess… but usually, I just pay for it.”
Some of you are like family to me. I don’t want you calling me either.
The universe contains protons,neutrons,electrons and morons.
as a teen did you ever steal your moms booze and fill it back up with water, or steal money out of her purse and fill it back up with water
The last time I danced in public people gave me money to find a cure.
My apartment is a mess, I should move
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
Here is my toddler homeschooling schedule. Any questions?
8-10am: frozen
10-12pm: frozen 2
*lunch*
1-3: frozen
3-5:frozen 2
*dinner*
6-8pm: frozen
*bed*
End any argument with a baby by saying “Well, at least my arms are longer than my head.” YA GOT SMOKED, BABY
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
I wonder if Superman ever put glasses on Lois Lane’s dog & she was like, “I’ve never seen this dog before. Is this a new dog?”
My 72 year-old mother just informed me she is going to her first “sex party” and doesn’t know what to bring.
After some delicate questioning, “Gender Reveal, Mom. It’s called a Gender Reveal.”
Gonna ask this security guard if I can please have security footage of the sick parallel parking job I just executed next to his building.
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
Protip: If a coworker tells you they had a dream about good versus evil, don’t ask which one were they.
Every call with my mother starts in one of two ways:
1. WHY HAVEN’T YOU CALLED? IS EVERYTHING OK?
2. WHY ARE YOU CALLING? IS EVERYTHING OK?