Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
You Might Also Like
If you see me jogging, please kill whatever is chasing me
Just broke a clothes hanger and now have seven years of bad outfits.
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
Might quit my job and become a content creator and live off the royalties for the next 19 seconds.
God: You found the Holy Grail!
Me: cool, what does it do?
God: drink from the cup and you shall live forever.
Me: ew, that sounds awful. pass.
God: you don’t want eternal li-
Me: I said pass.
i actually laughed 😩
McDonald’s just offered me a coupon book to promote the mcrib in a tweet?? Lmao no thanks,, im not THAT cheap. Not like the McDonald’s™️ McRib™️ sandwich. So tangy. So delicious. A little slab of heaven for a mere $2.99 now available for a limited time only
Dear women with cucumber slices on their eyes… you’re using it wrong.
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
I can’t help but get a little offended whenever my computer suddenly decides to ask me to prove who I am. Oh really, you need a password now, after everything we’ve googled together…
Sure kids cost roughly $14,000 annually, but think about all the money you save from no longer having a social life.
SOCIETY: if it’s sent by car let’s call it a shipment
ME: what if it’s sent by ship?
SOCIETY: we’ll call that cargo
You can have a terrier or you can have a Roomba, but you cannot have both.
I let people know that I’m no weirdo. I say “I’m no weirdo!” From that point forward, it’s just a matter of keeping my mouth off their pets.
If two people on opposite sides of the world drop a piece of bread on the ground at the same time the Earth briefly becomes a sandwich
[First date]
Me: “So, what do you do?”
Date: “I’m a librarian.”
Me: “Oh, my bad.”
*Whispers for the entire rest of the date*
Just got kicked out of Chipotle for knowing what I wanted when I got to the front of the line.
I’m no sadist. Some of my best friends are sad.
Imagine being 5 minutes from the end of the longest movie ever & it starts over because it forgot something. That’s my kid telling a story.
The most common things I say to my kids, by store:
Grocery store: “No, you don’t need more candy.”
Toy store: “No, you don’t need more toys.”
Hardware store: “No, you don’t need a nail gun.”
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
My PS5 died, I guess I need to make friends now.
At 7:00am I dropped my nail file on the floor, so I squatted down to pick it up… And at 7:20am I finally got up!!!
My cousins baby child keeps pointing at me and saying ‘cat’
Normalize talking to people in the gym who have earbuds in, they love that.
Guys disappear for days then say “wyd” ….no mf what were YOU doing!!
“If people work from home, how will I socialize?” You will have to go into the forest, bribe an old witch & have her summon new friends for you like the rest of us have to
Me: “I love you so much. I bought you this beautiful rare green rose.”
GF: “That’s a cabbage…..”
Me: “YOU ARE SOOOO UNGRATEFUL, DIANE.”
If we can land on Mars then we can figure out how to get someone else to go to the bathroom for me I’m not discussing this further
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.