I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
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Eminem walks into a bar.
Bartender: You only get one shot.
S/o to @funTweeters .
Years ago, scientists knew barely anything about space! It was probably because those scientists were babies
You want me to go to the bathroom? The thing that killed Elvis?
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
I’m as clever as the person who named bagpipes
When someone says “It is what it is,” I reply, “Isn’t it?” so we can both sound useless.
*gets mustard on my shirt trying to get mustard off my shirt*
Just another unrealistic body expectation for women
Licorice: for when you feel like edible Tupperware
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
People who tweet about politics should have to pass a small test: if i say “Oh, look, a dead bird,” and you look UP, we take your phone away
Saw a werewolf at the bus stop this morning. Or possibly just a very hairy guy. Either way, the silver bullets worked.
trainer: what’s your fitness goals?
me: to be able to run to the door for my pizza delivery without feeling like I’m dying.
clark kent’s honeymoon starts on a down note
god: i need you to get me some teeth
fairy: what
god: from children
fairy: WHAT
god: ok fine pay them
True
Guy about to invent balloons:
I wish there was a CHILDREN’S toy ON a strangulation hazard that could EXPLODE and then become ANOTHER strangulation hazard!!
Assistant: Bro…things ok at home?
I hate when I give people nicknames like “stupid face” on my phone and I cant remember who the stupid face is.
[When water has one thing in it]
SOCIETY: That’s gross you have to throw it out.[When water has many things in it]
SOCIETY: That’s soup it’s food now.
[me flirting]
Cute guy: hey how’s it goin
Me: YES I ALSO LIKE BLUEBERRIES
Cute guy:
Me: THEY’RE ACTUALLY PURPLE WHEN YOU SMUSH THEM
Cute guy: *backing away*
Me: I HOPE DROGON IS OKAY
My husband made it back from Charlotte and went directly from the airport to a “work meeting” at a casino resort. Any one else think this seems suspicious? 🤔
When I die, I want my decaying carcass to be loaded into a giant slingshot and flung into a rich kids bouncy castle.
I’ve done a lot of crazy things in my life. Things I’m not proud of. Things I should be ashamed of. And I hope I’m not finished.
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
There’s 8 people waiting on me to get up and cook breakfast. Someone come kidnap me please.
If you’re about to be attacked by a werewolf, loudly say “WHO’S GETTING A BATH? SOMEBODY’S GONNA GET A BATH!” and he’ll run away and hide.
Hubs: *under breath* No, no, please noooo…
Me: *about to say “he’s right here” and hand him the phone*
Im making a fortune promoting home security systems.All I do is say “Hello”.At 3 in the morning sitting at the end of their bed.