Salad is being recalled.
Do you know what’s never been recalled?Original Oreos.
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if you ever need to teach me a lesson, there is no reason to send three ghosts. a single ghost will do. im not committed enough to any of my negative personality traits to be like “sorry but i’m gonna keep on stealing from walmart unless you make this a multi-ghost situation”
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Me: Jessica has 1/5 cup of milk for her cookie recipe how many times does she need to use the 1/10 measuring cup to make the cookies?
9: How about you figure that out on your own Jessica? Use your own brain.
[spelling bee]
JUDGE: your word is “redacted”
KID: ████████
JUDGE: correct
Wife: Where did all this glitter come from?
Me: Jake, at State Farm.
They say “keep your friends close and your enemies closer” so if I offer you a piggyback ride just know we have beef
Asked 4 how pre school was and she said Jake did a bad thing and made Freya cry and when I asked 4 what Jake did she said she couldn’t remember and went to play with her Barbie and now I’m expected to just carry on my life not knowing what went down between Jake & Freya
“Daddy, there’s a mime under the bed!”
That’s ridiculous, why would you think that?
“Listen!”
*complete silence*
OH DEAR GOD RUN
Walked into the kitchen and saw my wife laughing while putting a banana in the garbage disposal so I think I’ll sleep in the other room.
Me- owns 2 pairs of pants
My 8 month old, who has no where to go-
If Reese’s eggs are buy one get one free, there are 0 calories associated with the free one. Live free my friends.
When a hot chick puts a pen in her mouth, all kinds of weird shit goes through my mind. Like:
-How’s her penmanship?
-Can she do my taxes?
All food is good if you spell it wrong
serial killers saw these glasses and were like “yoooooo”
I’m not a very religious person…until it’s 94 degrees and the power goes out.
At that point I pray to every god, savior and deity from that “COEXIST” bumper sticker.
SON: Daddy, how come our snowman hasn’t melted, like everyone else’s?
ME: Because it’s made from leftover mashed potato son.
Throw me to the wolves and they’ll come back with cute names, little sweaters & an affinity for baby talk.
Therapist: What’s the problem?
Wife: He makes friends with the strangest things
Me [petting a bee]: You’re not strange are you Alan
I eat my sandwich over a piece of bread, so when stuff falls out…BOOM! another sandwich.
Me: I need a minute to play with myself to get hard
Wife: *smirking* ok
Me: *pulls out my game boy*
Flex on strangers by asking them if they remember you.
Just finished reading a book called Practical Jokes Involving Glue. I couldn’t put it down.
Breaking news from My dog!! there ar Small animals outside sometimes, but especially Right Now.
I don’t realize how easily manipulated I am until I watch a nature documentary.
I’m rooting for whichever animal is in the title.
Sorry gazelles I know I just cheered for your survival 10 minutes ago but this is a new episode and David Attenborough tells me we like lions now.
Hide-and-seek is just as much fun for adults, although it usually ends with someone getting hit with a restraining order.
Hey, Christianity- what’s all the fuss about a virgin anyway? I could be a virgin if I wanted to. But I don’t. Because sex. Also? More sex.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
“Omg, I literally just died”
-people who literally don’t know what literally means
When life hands you donkeys, move to a mountainous region.
Siri: Retweet me.