Would you flush a $20 bill down the toilet? Of course not. Yet you’re doing it every time you flush 4 $5 bills down the toilet. I’ll explain
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A conspiracy board but for when we are trying to figure out what we want for dinner.
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Smooth criminal but it’s just me opening a bag of chips after everyone’s in bed.
Avoid extra tasks by throwing distraction doughnuts at work
is this a warning or an offer?
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
I like to put on a clay mask and lurk around in the background while my daughter FaceTimes her friends.
11: Look mom, I attached my iPad to my bicycle handles with elastic bands. Isn’t it great?! So now when I ride I can watch something!
*pauses, I can see she’s thinking*
Actually maybe I won’t do this because it sounds like a good way to die?
Just left a review for the telescope I bought — barely works. two stars
ME: it’s rude to stare
THE ABYSS: you started it
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
“Release the Kraken” I say as I push “clean” on the Roomba.
“He is usually nice and fills my dish, but this morning he stepped on my tail and I made an alarmed high pitched noise.”
-yelp review
Cherry seeds are just the pits.
Oh, you’re 19 and have abs? Yeah you’re supposed too. You haven’t been alive long enough to get fat.
worst place to be stung by bees is the club bc it just looks like you’re doing cool dance moves & sure u win the dance off but at what cost
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
Person: “I hate geology puns.”
Me: “My sediments exactly.”
You had me at Whipped Cream Vodka.
I don’t mean to brag, but I’ve received a lot of emails that find me well.
Good grief, did you see that, Hans? A time traveller just appeared, shot Adolf and left again. I mean I know his paintings are shit but WTF
Breaking news:
If I knew I was going to have to homeschool my kids, I would have made sure my husband used a condom.
It’s Facebook’s 10th birthday today. Let’s all click “Maybe” on the event invite and then not show up.
“You gotta get me out of here, man.”
“Relax, Monty, I’m working on it.”
“You talk to my lawyer?”
“Yeah, the cops don’t have shit.”
“Okay, good. How’s Theresa?”
“Fine, her mom’s staying with her.”
“Thanks for all this, Frankie.”
“Hey, that’s what cousins are for.”
A chimney is the eyes into the Jesus.
When one chimney closes, God shuts another door.
The eyes of the door is where the Jesus is.
And then the fortune cookie company fired me
My doctor: you really need to work on getting that D into you
Me: bro I’m trying, I’ve got a date next week and everything