I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
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Brain: You’ve got ONE shot at this.
Me: Ready.
Brain: Go talk to her.“YOUR HAIR IS THE COLOR OF HONEY CAN I TASTE IT?!?”
Brain: Magical!
Witch Mom: ugh you spend all day on that HexBox
Witch Son: ok broomer
Do you ever wonder if your parents spoil your kids to get back at you for what you put them through as a teenager? Because I’m totally thinking of doing that.
Lmao
Pocahontas: Did you just give me a fake name?
John Smith: …
*catches up to jogger while wearing the same outfit*
good luck shaking the police off loser
*sprints ahead while sirens can be heard*
I take it personally when I let a car cut in front of me and then they immediately get into another lane. Come back you are with me now.
“There should be a less mean way of saying the F word because some people might forget they can’t say that in school”
– my 6yo, absolutely not talking about herself
I believe we’re entering the ‘training for hell’ phase of summer.
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
My middle schooler called me “mid” and I’ve gotta be honest, not a fan of having to google something before deciding how offended I am.
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
People who love to clean are just practicing to eliminate the evidence
Canadians say “sorry” so much that a law was passed in 2009 declaring that an apology can’t be used as evidence of admission to guilt
“Come to me flesh of my flesh”.
*embarrassing teenagers is easy.
honestly, i need both:
Him: I’m trying to scare away a crow with a gun
Me: how…how did a crow get a gun?!
Sometimes it’s not about missing someone, it’s about reloading and trying again.
How does a Ninja attack a pig?
Pork Chop.
Optimist: the glass is half full
Pessimist: everything is dying
I mentioned to my wife that her lingerie is quite revealing…
and she replied, “Well, then wear your own!”
My 4yo just started playing rock, paper, scissors with himself. The good news is he won.
Door-to-door Christian guy: Have you heard the greatest story ever told?
Me: Definitely. I love Star Wars.
Caveman: I have discovered fire
Village: yayyyyy
Caveman: it’s burning all our stuff
Village: booooo
How many minutes after someone’s fired is it cool to take their stapler?
Apparently changing the locks isn’t funny to my husband or my kids…but I gave my dog a new key.
Oh hey mom. Yeah the date went fine, I think she liked my jorts bc she kept glancing at them
*needs a hug
*taps car brakes a little too hard so the seatbelt locks upNice.
*at the pharmacy*
I WOULD LIKE THE PILLS THAT ALLOW ME TO CONTROL BIRTH
*pharmacist blinks*
GIVE THEM TO ME, SORCERER