If you stare in a mirror long enough and start screaming, you’ll see angry faces of figures dressed in orange.
*only works at Home Depot
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Dear Diary: Day 41 at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft & Wizardry. So far none of the other students have noticed that my wand is a Slim Jim.
Yes I run a porn site. It was an accident.
I’m sorry my dog nipped your ankles, but in all fairness you do have squirrels on your socks.
Okay, I’m still confused…
I was born in the wrong time period. I wasn’t meant to go to work every day. I was meant to get eaten by a predator
Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.
Never play chess with a British person. Their queen never dies.
Goodyear: tires
Badyear: 2020
God: done?
Noah: yea
G: whats this
Noah proudly: a swing set
G: u built a park. I asked for an ark
N: a what?
G: a boat
N: say boat then
Jeff Bezos this morning:
“Alexa, end my marriage”
if you like christmas so much why don’t you merry it
The ancient Egyptians loved cat videos.
Catercrombie & Fish
Does everyone’s inner monologue have a laugh track?
We took the animals for a walk and saw a sign: ‘Dogging area, please control your animal and pick up their faces…’
[Christmas Party]
*opening my gifts*
Well well well, if it isn’t the festive scarf I gave you 3 Christmases ago
bigfoot
the abominable snowman
chupacabras
the loch ness monster
a unicorn
mermaids
restful sleep
dragons
a super walmart
werewolves
happiness
cyclops
a 2,000 calorie diet
santa claus
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.
Not to brag but I’ll inherit 17 bottles of Old Spice when my dad dies.
Meanwhile, at the White House… #matwh
I love it when I see an old friend I haven’t seen in years and pretend to not see them
Me: Don’t worry, I have cold hard cash to pay for this.
*pulls coin bucket out of freezer
Hey gurl, were you taped to the inside of a birthday card from my grandmother? Cause you’re a dime.
The kids are in bed
It isn’t that late
But now I will pay
For all that I ate
When one door closes, I lock it.
I’m not chancing someone else getting in.
Waking up an hour early gives you an extra hour to wish you were still in bed.
My birthstone is a marshmallow
My favorite body pillow is warm and fluffy and barks if anyone tries to touch me.