“Finally, Avengers time baby!! Been waiting so long to watch this. Nothing could ruin this moment for…”
[Neil Degrasse Tyson sits next to me holding a huge notepad]
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My 4 year old is at his cutest when he is so proud that he managed to put his school uniform on all by himself but didn’t realise it’s Saturday morning
RAN INTO A COWORKER AT TARGET. DIDN’T WANT HER TO KNOW I WAS BUYING BABY CLOTHES FOR MY CAT SO I TOLD HER I’M PREGNANT
There’s no way to look cool when the doctor walks into your exam room just as you’re blowing up a rubber glove.
Not sure if I washed the spider down the drain in my shower or if he took one look at me naked and then leapt willingly to his death.
Hell hath no fury like a 5yo who didn’t get as many pepperoni pieces on his pizza slice as his brother.
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
I’m just a girl,
sitting in her car,
wondering what the person I texted
“I’m in the cat” to,
is thinking right now.
her: come over I’m naked
me: ok I’ll bring some clothes
TIME TRAVELLER: No
WAITER: You guys ok? Do you need anything?
*first date*
Her: I love strong guys…
Me: I would fight
Her: …with a playful side…
Me: with Mickey Mouse
Her: …and a naughty side…
Me: in bed
Her: what
Me: what
My dating history is like Halloween. People pretending to be someone they’re not come looking for handouts, then move on to someone else.
10yo: You know that’s not what they mean by exercise, right?
Me: Pfft. [continues shaking Fitbit up and down]
Me: It’s late, and I’m so tired.
My brain: Let’s find a word that rhymes with tequila.
her: when I die can you bury me in my favorite dress
grave digger: I usually just wear my overalls
Absolutely no one:
Me: *something goes down the wrong way and I start coughing*
Everyone: Let me tell you about the time I almost choked to death!
Shoutout to headline writers, making their own fun.
Crinkle cut fries. Ribbed for your pleasure.
You ever get out of the shower and forget to rinse the conditioner out of your hair?.. Yeah, me neither.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
one time I was in the hospital elevator with a resident and then the elevator got stuck and I was like “omg we are going to die” and she was like “omg YES I needed this today” and sat down and started eating a granola bar
Waiter: How is the chicken?
Me: Not great. I think he might be dead.
hard to imagine a more embarrassing death than being beaten with a candlestick in a library by someone named colonel mustard
ME: “I’m thankful for my skeleton because if I didn’t have my skeleton, I would look like a blobfish.”
THERAPIST: “Okay, I suppose that counts as the one thing you like about yourself, this week.”
My teen used the word buoyancy to describe something, so I asked her to spell that, and without missing a beat she said ” Duh Beyoncé “
I’m a people person.
Mmmf. Sorry, my mouth was full. Let me try again.
I’m a pizza person.
3am
Me: *wakes up for no reason*
Anxiety and Insomnia: *fighting*
Bladder: We should pee.
Stomach: PEANUT BUTTER!
At this point making life choices involves liquor and a dart board.
[in the park]
ME: aww look a baby
WIFE: is it on me?!
ME: um no it’s in a stroll-
WIFE: *swatting herself* I FEEL LIKE IT’S ON ME
Sorry, but your kids don’t look adorable when they lose their teeth, they look like tiny homeless people.