ME: *burps a little under my breath*
MY 5YO: [from 3 rooms away] say ‘excuse me’
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A walk in the woods helps me relax and release tension.
The fact that I’m dragging a body behind me should be irrelevant
Just ate a cheap foil-covered Easter egg & it was so disgusting, I ate 9 more to ensure my initial assessment was correct. I concur with me.
How have I got to this age and I still haven’t figured out what you’re supposed to do with your arms when you’re trying to get to sleep.
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
I literally just used the flashlight on my phone to search under the couch for my phone if you ladies are looking for someone with all their ducks in a row
I’m growing a ponytail so no one will ever ask me to hold their baby.
Quotes to calm an angry woman:
1. Stress makes you fat.
2. My ex never acted like that.
3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.
The man who invented PIN numbers and ATM machines has died.
May he RIP in peace.
Who called them fake potatoes and not imitaters.
I dance like people wish they weren’t watching.
My pharmacists won’t return my calls anymore *snotty cries* something about no more refills. Quick someone sneeze on me! I’m lonely.
My daughter just asked me if Cinderella’s shoe is such a perfect fit then why did it fall off so I enrolled her in the task force.
Tonight our 4 year old ate his dinner in a record time of 4 hours 27 minutes
I just tripped and stumbled into a group of asian kids on the street and accidentally won a breakdancing competition.
in grade 3 we wrote an essay about “would u rather be a big fish in a smal pond or a smal fish in a big pond” and i wrote “can i be a frog”
Me: I really shouldn’t be eating 7-11 hot dogs every day
Doctor: okay that’s weirdly specific but yes, maybe try to get it down under 6
If I ever met the Dalai Lama, I would ask him a question that has plagued me my entire life.
“What color do Smurfs turn if you choke them?”
I’ve noticed eating popcorn during video calls tends to get them wrapped right up. Give it a go.
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
Breath escapes my broken body. I collapse amid dark, icy spears of pain. The fight’s done. It’s over.
GYM INSTRUCTOR: You’ve done 9 seconds
[on a first date]
Her: Have you ate here before?
Me: Yeah, my wife and I come here all the time
wife: u should’ve paid more attention in school
me: what why
wife: u brought home the wrong kids
I’m sorry but did they sacrifice a human sized pop tart on live tv or was that a fever dream
I use a wheelchair. Whenever I’m at a job interview and they ask me what my greatest weakness is, I always want to say, “Stairs”.
If I had $5 (inflation) every single time an older woman started the “I’m his wife, we’ve been married x amount of years, you can talk to me” fight, I’d have enough money to buy this app and give it it’s old name back.
Interviewer: Let’s start with a simple question; what’s 2+2?
Accountant: Well, it depends. What do you need it to be?
Interviewer: You’re hired!
Feeling generous. I’m giving all my dead batteries away…
… free of charge.
WHAT DO WE WANT AMERICA?
ROCK HARD ABS!!!
WHEN DO WE WANT THEM?
RIGHT AFTER WE FINISH THIS BOX OF DOUGHNUTS!!!
baby it’s cold outside but for introverts –
baby – 🎵 I really can’t staaay … 🎵
me – oh dear, that is a shame …
baby – 🎵 I have to go a … 🎵
me – ok, bye!