11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
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There’s a girl that I hate in my office that’s white but looks like ‘Precious’. I’ve been calling her “Pressure” & blaming my farts on her.
I don’t want a sugar daddy but maybe like a sugar buddy. I just hit him up like “Hey how are you today?” and he replies “Doing great thanks for asking here’s $7,000. “
*walks into Best Buy*
*points to CDs* “May I have 4 sound bagels please”
I bought a dog so I wouldn’t feel creepy picking up poop off the sidewalk
6km run followed by a blueberry muffin for breakfast… life is all about balance people! 😆
DOCTOR: We were all out of blood for your transfusion so we used Mountain Dew
ME: [I don’t hear bc I already snowboarded out the window]
[Arriving late to work]
Boss: *looks at watch* fourth day this week
Me: also known as Thursday, Jerry
I accidentally called it an eternity scarf instead of an infinity scarf and now I have to drink my Starbucks outside.
The first 70 years after high school are always the hardest.
Why is this woman gardening on her white carpet at the foot of her bed
6yo: mom, how do you spell ‘do not touch’
4yo: mom, how do you spell ‘yes touch’
Pharmacist: How can I help you?
Me: I’d like to see a menu.
Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
I did NOT need to see this today!!!!
Yelling at a dog to stop barking doesn’t work because the dog just goes “Cool, now we’re both barking!”
when someone references the Ottoman Empire and i picture a bunch of Turks, with their feet up, relaxing.
Watching two people at work argue about who put the empty milk back in the fridge when it was me.
“No, no, I’m fine. This is how I live now.”
-Me laying face down on the floor
I need to get a car wash but my dogs’ nose smudges on the back window appear to be forming a word so I’m gonna let that play out first.
You know why I’ve never been murdered in my sleep? Because I leave a cheese plate out for murderers every night. It’s called hospitality maybe look it up sometime.
Just think, if you had managed to squeeze in 20-30 minutes of running every day for the past month, you’d be really far from home right now.
Normalize answering the phone by saying, “Caller, you’re on the air.”
My 5 year old said he was looking for a treasure chest but I thought he said cheddar chest and for a brief moment life as a pirate sounded beautiful
Throw stones at people who live in glass houses. They won’t throw them back because they’ve been told their whole life that they shouldn’t.
I’m supposed to wear a blouse and slacks to an event. This looks like a job for FuneralPants.
saying “i am bad at this”
-defeatist
-will make you sad
-removes the possibility for improvementsaying “a whale would be impressed by my ability”
-encouraging
-always true because whales don’t even have thumbs and also appreciate effort
-makes you think about whales
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Jesus: This is where I realized how heavy you are. This is where I tripped. And this is where I tried doing the macarena and dropped you.