If only my parents had given me a memorable first name.
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[texting]
So what’s your name?
“ily”
omg this is moving too fast.
ILY: (yelling) IT’S HAPPENING AGAIN MOM, WHY DID YOU NAME ME THAT?
ME: is this the soup of the day
WAITER: it’s an aquarium
ME: ok I’ll have that
I don’t know who needs to hear this, but putting the dead batteries in the junk drawer does not charge them.
You know what they say about a guy with big hands?
He can carry more cheeseburgers.
“So we kill a tree”
Ok
“And put it inside our house”
Nice
“Then we hang up some socks”
I’m with ya
“And then we drink egg milk punch”
What
microwave: gonna cook it
me: no please. just defrost the chicken.
microwave: ok i’ll do both
Kids are great at pretend play, like how they pretend no one’s home when the doorbell rings haha wait just kidding ain’t no way they’re doin’ that.
This morning my son said ‘pull my finger’ and I’m certain, somewhere in Ontario, my dad just smiled and felt pride for reasons he couldn’t explain.
No one would ever question Siri’s directions if she said them with more conviction. “Keep right, if you want to live.”
hardest part of beekeeping is thinking of all the names
When someone tells me “They could care less.” Instead of the proper “I couldn’t care less.” I always say “At least you care.”
I’ve just ordered some of those packaging air pockets from Amazon and can’t wait to see what they’re delivered in.
If you say ‘poo freed’ instead of proofread, literally no one can tell the difference.
Tiger Woods? Do u mean the jungle?
Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”
Damn boy, are you the black jelly bean?
Because I absentmindedly picked you, and now I regret having you in my mouth.
Hey ladies, I can spell ‘Häagen-Dazs’ without googling it if anyone is looking for a good time tonight or anything.
Husband: *Grabs a pillow off the couch* Did we get new pillows?
Me: Uh huh, last year, when we got the new couches
My son wanted to know what it was like to be a parent.
So I woke him at 2am to tell him my sock came off.
Imagine if dogs giggled when you tickled them.
Watch ‘Titanic’ backwards and it’s the feel-good story of a ship that rescues a bunch of drowning swimmers and takes them on a dream cruise.
She was like “I’ll see you in hell” and I was like “omg I have a date”
My friends are weird. They keep vegetables in their beer crisper. Freaks
[Boiling in a pot]
Boy lobster: AAAAGGGGHHH!!
Girl lobster: I’m cold
[Death Row]
GUARD: last requests?
INMATE: a little heroin would be nice
TINKER BELL: *chloroforms guard*
INMATE: I meant the drug stupid
DIET JOURNAL
DAY 1: A little hungry. Stayed within my calories. I can do this.
DAY 4: A humpback whale responded to my stomach growls.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
Not how I expected him to come back but okay.
[having heart attack] HELP…CAN’T…MOVE
ME: Dude, are you ok?!
[faintly] CALL…ME…A…DOCTOR
ME: Oh, sorry!! Doctor, are you ok?!
I asked a girl, “What is the maximum amount of money you would pay to have sex with me?” She said, “Zero dollars.”
And I said, “Deal.”