Oh, you’re a stoner?
Name every stone.
You Might Also Like
I just got a DM from a chick asking for a retweet and she didn’t even attempt to tell me how good looking or funny I was first, so rude.
I used to play the triangle in a reggae band but left because it was just one ting after another.
The 7-yr old has the flu so I’m letting her lick the envelopes of all my credit card bills.
If your kids are playing and it gets totally quiet, then you hear one say “you’re okay, you’re okay,” they are definitely NOT okay.
stop asking if your body is ready for the beach and start asking if the beach is ready for your body
Took my twins to their swim class and the coach showed them how to float on their backs then asked if they had any questions. My boy twin asked if there was any cake and I think it was a fair question
I just got cut off by a bald man in a BMW, so I pulled up next to him, rolled down my window, and laughed at him.
“Are you listening?”
“Yes.”
“Are you REALLY listening?”
“I really am.”
“But I mean, are you-”
“I’m not gonna say it, Dave.”
Friend: It sounds terrible but sometimes I find myself disliking my own children
Me: Don’t worry, that’s really common
Friend: Really?
Me: Yeah, everyone hates your kids
Me: my personality is broken I’m here to buy a new one
Psychiatrist: that’s not how therapy works-
Me: [slides $20] I want to be cool
duck: quack?
me:
duck: quack?
me: no
duck: …quistal meth?
You guys, I checked. Wolves can’t blow houses down, even if they are just made of straw and sticks. It’s all anti-wolf propaganda started by Big Pork
Authors, for the love of all things, let your protagonists sleep sometimes.
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
[interviewing for job as assassin]
Me: I only have 1 rule
Interviewer: lemme guess. No women or kids
Me: huh? No, I just won’t work weekends
[First date]
Him: I love murder mysteries.
Me: *trying to impress him* I have been a suspect in four murder cases.
A woman at my gym has a jellyfish tattoo on her arm.
So I peed on her
I started writing a joke about Harry Houdini. But the punchline escaped me.
*installs mirrors on the bedroom ceiling*
*watches myself not sleeping*
Some woman at my office just said Star Trek when we were all talking about Star Wars and now our IT guy is refusing to fix her computer.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
When she checks her bank statement and go “what are these PlayStation Network charges”
Never trust couscous. It’s just fat sand.
Instructor: “Welcome to salsa class! Who’s ready to learn how to dance?”
Me, hiding tortilla chips bag: “There’s been a misunderstanding.”
Some people are looking for the meaning of life. I’m still looking for the meaning of I licky boom boom down.
Me, at 20: I’d really like kids one day!
Me: at 40 with 3 kids: I’ve changed my mind
You can also leave cabbage rolls you couldn’t finish at any fire station. Anything swaddled really.
boss: hi
me: *pretends to read an email*
boss: did u just say “pretends to read an email”
“I’m not angry, just disappointed. You need to try harder. This is important! Do I make myself clear?”
“Sorry, sir. Here’s your ketchup.”
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one