“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
You Might Also Like
[inventor of the snooze button]
ok, these alarm clocks are pretty good, let’s add something to make them useless
You were all Pluto’s not even a planet and now you’re watching it from your space car all slow and creepy like. Jerk.
I’d like to visit the Grand Canyon again, but this time – there’s no way I’m going down on a donkey
Me: I can’t work today. There’s a huge ball of fire emitting deadly radiation.Boss: You can’t skip work because it’s sunny.
A Mexican stand-off, but it’s 3 Canadians each trying to pay the bill and they all have to pee
My kid needs me to help him with a report on any famous black scientist. Can we do Dr. Dre?
So my mom suggested today that I use Twitter to find a boyfriend. I told her that only works if you’re already married.
[jail]
ME: I want my phone call
COP: Ok. Make it count
ME: [dials payphone]
[cop’s mobile rings]
COP: Hello?
ME: Please let me go
Our dishwasher works exceedingly well, as long as you only put clean dishes in it.
How many pans of brownies eaten gets me the Girl Scout badge for gluttony?
Houdini, running out of ideas: Watch and marvel as I escape from this predatory timeshare contract!
[mastercard commercial]
“there are some things that money can’t buy”politician: i don’t get it
[police lineup]
Cop: step forward and say ‘boing boing’
Suspect 1: boing boing
Suspect 2: boing boing
Desk lamp: boing boing
Wife of Pixar’s letter i: that’s the one. He killed my husband
you gotta turn your phone off when you fly in case an old plane text you and your new plane get jealous
So I harvested my tomato today, it’s bound to be good considering the $43.29 I invested to plant it.
I wrecked my Italian car, now it’s al dente
I just got a paper cut from a 108 yr old book so I’m sitting here waiting to turn into a vampire
Mac & cheese implies the existence of PC & cheese
You ever tried driving the speed limit and thought, “They can’t be serious.”
Pro Tip: Always put your keys away in the last place you’d look, then look there first.
i love reading online product reviews because there will be 8,000 that say “this blender is amazing, highly recommended” and one that will be like “garbage, do not buy, i tried to blend concrete and a crowbar and the thing broke immediately”
My sense of humor has been described as “please stop” and “you’re ruining dinner”
Laundry:
Washing = 45 minutes
Drying = 60 minutes
Folding = 7 to 10 business days
I lost my dad with a cart full of ginger ale and sweet potato chips at a grocery store and found him arguing about focaccia bread with a manager in case you were wondering how white my parents are.
You haven’t seen rage until you’ve seen a group of women waiting for a yoga instructor who no-shows.
Her: so yeah i’m a palaeontologist, it means i know a lot about dinosaurs basically, do you have a favourite dinosaur?
Me: *visibly sweating* umm…umm…REPTAR.
Her: …
Me: …
Her: …like…like from rugrats?
Me: …he had a wagon
I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
Some of you should walk a mile in my shoes because then you would be a mile away from me and that would be fantastic. Keep the shoes
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
Me: [doing crossword] 41 band; three letters.
Wife: sum.
Me: human parts; four letters.
Wife: body.
Me: upon a time; four letters.
Wife: once.
Me: to pay; four letters.
Wife: toll.
Me: 90’s slang; three letters.
Wife: duh.
Me: refer to myself; two letters.
Wife: me.