The shortest distance between two points is over a cyclist.
~Australian drivers, apparently.
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Dad Hack: get your teen’s attention instantly by pre-heating the oven.
Condom commercials should just be 30 seconds of crying babies shitting and vomiting all over themselves.
sleeper makes drafting your fantasy team easy👇
Happy MOM THIS HUGE ASSIGNMENT IS DUE TOMORROW AND I’VE JUST STARTED IT to all those who celebrate.
I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
When you’re Godzilla every city is a walkable city
Proofread twice, hang posters once
“I can’t please everybody.”
“You’re not pleasing anybody.”
“So you agree with me.”
Not wearing glasses anymore. I’ve seen enough
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
Ugh warm weather is here, time to
de-Sasquatch-ify my legs.
[On the couch watching TV]
Husband: *Doesn’t move for 90 minutes*
Me: *Gets up to pee*
Husband: Can you get me some chips and a drink and some lip balm and that charger and that remote and that blanket over there?
[CAVE]
BABY DRAGON: Dad, I hate trolls! They are disgusting, evil creatures!
DAD DRAGON: Just push them aside and eat your vegetables son.
Instagramming daily selfies does not constitute personal growth.
burglar: [breaks into house]
my dog: “BARK BARK BARK BARK”
burglar: [strokes dog’s head]
my dog: “i have misjudged this very nice man”
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
[Therapy]
Dr. Pencil: Remind me again what draws you here today?
Piece of paper: I feel like I’m always getting lead on, it’s really left its mark on me.
Dr. Pencil: Oh, that’s write.
The best time to start a family fight is now. It gets you out of buying relatives gifts.
Me: What did she say about me?
Friend: She said you ask too many questions
Me: She said that? Too many questions? Really? Me? …What else?
If Scooby-Doo taught me anything, it’s that if you want to kill someone, do it in a retirement community, where pets aren’t allowed.
When people don’t text me back I write their obituary and send it to them.
If you enjoy kazoo music at 7am, I would recommend having children.
Really wish my phone wouldn’t autocorrect my old timey piano slang. Had to explain to my mom that I didn’t spend all morning “tickling the ovaries”.
I just cross-bred a crocodile and a homing pigeon. I expect that’ll come back to bite me.
The year is 2044. After trillions of dollars and thousands of lives lost, the SpaceX program lands a man on Mars.
Mars: I have a boyfriend
Me: The house is a disaster. We all need to clean.
8-year-old: Who’s coming over?
Me: No one. We’re cleaning for us.
8: But we already know we live like this.
boss: *walks up to find me staring at my computer, typing away*, I see you’re thinking hard about the new budget problem
me: *googling who would win in a fight between a pizza and a cheeseburger*, oh yeah, totally
Always leave your door unlocked when you shower in case your kids have an emergency. Like when they have to show you how big their aluminum foil ball is.
at my high school reunion everyone kept asking where my date was so I finally told them my dog ate him. no one laughed
I have the confidence of a bald headed eagle, and the shy modesty of his distant relative the combover falcon.