Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
You Might Also Like
Eat local. Your neighbor’s food.
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
The nice part about living in a small town is that when you don’t know what you are doing, someone else does!
Remember, you are statistically more likely to be killed by a donkey than a plane crash.
[Donkey Pilot turns and does throat slit gesture]
[flirting]
ME: Do you come here often?
HER: Sir, I’m the librarian.
ME: Uh huh.
HER: And this is a library.
ME: Oh, gotcha.
HER: Okay then.
ME: *whispers* Soooo, do you come here often?
I take back every tweet I’ve ever written bashing autocorrect. Tonight my husband brought home beers instead of beets and I don’t know the last time I was this happy.
Me: I had a dream we went shopping at Target.
Husband: How much did we spend?
Me:
Husband: HOW MUCH DID WE SPEND?!
“What’s your name?”
“I am Daenerys Targaryen, Mother of Dragons, Khaleesi to Drogo’s riders-”
*Starbucks barista quits on the spot*
My villain origin story is seeing the Twitter ad for the dog pooping toothpaste 1000 times in a day and finally snapping.
Even though it’s a quarantine you still need to shave your legs or deal with stubble and snagging your sheets.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Me: One coffee please.
Barista: Name for the cup?
Me: Umm Cuppy McSip.
[The Second Coming]
Jesus:”People of the Earth! I have returned with news of God’s love an-”
Voice from the crowd:”DO THE WINE TRICK”
My kids have voted, and the results are in. It’s official, I’ve been elected the President of Empty Threats.
{Company meeting}
Pres: Our biggest fears have come true…*I run to check on the donuts
*Stroll back in, spitting crumbs “what’s wrong?”
Caller: Emergency Sevices? I’m on fire.
Me: That’s great, keep up the good work.
I had a beautiful pearl of wisdom to tweet but I dropped it on the ground and one of my dogs ate it. I should have it back in 12 hours or so
My favorite Skrillex song is the one where he drops a spoon into the garbage disposal and steps on a cat’s tail.
Celebrity divorce statements remind us of the names they gave their kids. “We want to focus on raising our children, Shoe and Turbo Pickle.”
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
Wife: “I’m sick and tired of your walkie-talkie obsession. This marriage is over.”
Me: “You broke up there. This marriage is what? Over.”
My fashion decisions have gone from “Is it cute?” to “Is it comfy?” to “Did anybody see me wear this yesterday?”
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
If I answer my phone and you ask for me by my full name, there’s a 100% chance we’re about to be disconnected.
I bet all the cool math nerds call each other algebros.
A man accidentally made eye contact with me on the train, so I left my shoe behind.
And now, we wait…
I’m the hottest mom hiding from her family in this pantry right now.
I thought there would be a lot more happiness and sun in “The Shining.”
Two guys in the airport bar are amazed a margherita pizza has no alcohol in it and they’re the reason you can’t leave bags unattended.