How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
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You never see zombies lying around being lazy, so maybe we should EMBRACE the possibility of a zombie apocalypse. I think it could turn some of us into real go-getters.
Who the friggin hell buys a cat? There are cats everywhere. You just let one into your home and it becomes your cat.
Just got my invitation to Lady Gaga’s wedding reception. I can choose between beef or chicken. Not for the meal, that’s the dress code.
Inflation has gotten so bad, the 7-Eleven changed its name to the 9-Thirteen.
I’m using my husband’s phone today because mine is broken and he has his font so small I think only ants can read it.
I picked up three XL pizzas and the woman there gave me two napkins like I was going to eat them in my car, and I think I just met my soulmate.
I’m over here having to get my kids snacks and stressing about life yet my parents are just sitting in their house, retired.
My parents do this fun thing when they show up for dinner at 6 in the morning.
I’m gonna pretend my dad didn’t abandon me but is actually on the missing Malaysia air flight and he’ll be back
I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
“Are you on Facebook?”
“No, but I’m on..
(don’t say twitter, don’t say twitter)
..Mescaline”
(Nailed it)
“Pyromaniac” puts it strongly. I enjoy starting fires. It’s not my whole deal.
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
*Wife blows me a kiss from across the room*
*I pretend to catch it*
*I walk over to the window and toss it outside*
“Grow up Karen”
The facial recognition on my iPhone recognizes me in sunglasses but not when I’m smiling
MAKE THE ENTIRE DESK OUT OF MOUSE PAD STUFF
Unless you’re a toddler heading towards traffic I’m not running after you.
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
The east coast is experiencing a “Snowpocalypse” or as Canada calls it “Monday”
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
WARNING: I WILL NOT STEAL YOUR BOYFRIEND BUT I MIGHT STEAL YOUR CAT
If happiness is a moving target and I’ve been chasing it all my life, why am I fat?
My 4yo thinks you age a whole year in one night, so she’s scrutinizing me closely for any changes today. I’m tempted to put on a bald cap or blacken out some teeth.
Don’t mistake my habit to look down, as modesty.I have a long history of tripping on the most ridiculous things
cashier: paper or plastic
me: it’s a debit card
cashier: no for your milk
me: oh haha liquid’s fine
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
OK doomscrolling is bad but have you SEEN the quality of the doom this week?
‘Shake It Off’ is probably my favorite urinal sing-along song.
After seven years of marriage, I can always guess what’s bothering my wife. I’m never right, but I can always guess.
I’m sorry I said you were cute before I knew your personality