Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
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WORKOUT GUY: Climbing stairs after leg day is the worst bro!
ME: My face hurts because I napped too hard on my face.
True friends know where you keep the blank check for your bail.
Life begins and ends with diaper rash, so enjoy the time in between.
pirate: walk the plank
someone’s dad: is this teak?
Today, I shall mostly be singing “Baby Shark” on loop to the wife to see how long it takes for her to stab me*.
*It’s 17 seconds
🦝🔥🦝🔥
I’m swilling port like a British butler who had a rough afternoon at the races.
HOT LOCAL MOMS IN YOUR AREA ARE WAITING TO TUCK U IN & WILL BE CHECKING THAT TOOTHBRUSH SO GET IN THERE & DO IT RIGHT MISTER
Her: Undress me with your words…
Me: I saw a spider in your bra.
Me: so I’ve been a little unclear regarding everything you’ve asked me to do since Monday
Boss: Jesus
Me: let me finish. In February. 2011.
*eats French fries out of a pack of cigarettes*
[Hair Salon]
Stylist: What would you like?
Me: I want it 2 inches longer all over.
I’m not saying I’m getting fat, but my dirty talk in bed is mostly just recipes for pies.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
Shepherd’s pie is the ratio of a shepherd’s circumference to its diameter
Look, I don’t know how to spell reniassance so you’re getting whichever one I manage to type.
I’m only looking for friends that could survive a hippopotamus attack.
Ozempic is impressive and all but i’m not a fan of how it works which is basically just an appetite suppressant so it’s easier to eat less. i don’t wanna eat less, i want a pill that somehow absorbs the calories from the large pizza i just ate and gives them back to God!
Turned off my lights for “earth hour”. I’ve never had so many other cars honking at me.
If someone says they like something, responding with “You would” is a highly efficient put-down. In just two words, you’ve implied that a) the thing they like sucks, and b) they have predictably bad taste. Work smarter, not harder.
teacher: your son doesn’t think that 6 is a number
me: oh lol totally forgot we told him that
My wife and I just renewed our vows of celibacy.
My human just got off the phone and said to me, “You won’t be a happy kitty tomorrow.”
I’m suddenly having trust issues.
ME: Is it “mince meat” or “minced meat”?
NEIGHBOR: What? Did you find my cat or not
ME: I’m getting to that
ME: *Donates my body to science*
SCIENCE: Oooh, we… we don’t want that.
Surgeon: Appendectomies are tricky, you sure you got this?
Dr. Wacky Inflatable Tube Man: *flings scalpel into ceiling* You bet!
I wish ‘You idiot.’ was an appropriate way to end a work email.
me: *pounding on son’s locked bedroom door* open up this instant! this is my house
son: no it isn’t, you have a mortgage so it’s the bank’s house. have someone from wells fargo come and tell me
me: [to wife] i knew we shouldn’t have gotten him those personal finance books
“Children should eat a variety of colors in their diet!”
My children’s dinner:
I hate it when restraining orders get in the way of meaningful relationships.
Well played future wife. You win this round