Me: whew, can’t wait to forget about that period of time and move on with my life
iphone featured photos: you will forget nothing
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I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
My dog learned how to text
[new job]
BOSS: how bout u introduce yourself
ME: I’m Howie
BOSS: Howie?
ME: Dewitt
BOSS: everyone this is Howie Dewitt
ME: *starts dancing*
“Every child’s a gift.”
“Your ‘gift’ is eating his own boogers right now.”
“…”
“I hope you saved the receipt.”
A man caught me applying chap stick, so I just started eating it so it wouldn’t be weird.
Sesame Street gritty reboot:
The Burt Locker
My kids played camping today and my job was to stay in the tent and sleep, I’ve never been so good at a game before
Ok you with pneumonia, go sit between the perfectly healthy lady and the guy with the blood shooting out of his leg
and wait.
-hospitals
*applies for million dollar grant to test scientific theory*
What’s your theory?
That money can buy happiness.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
me: i hope i die suddenly and without warning
friend: agreed when i’m old i hope it’s abrupt and not drawn out
me: old?
SPELLING BEE: spell “configurable”
ME: C-O-N-F-I-G-U-R-A-B–
SPELLING BEE: (interupting) yes i am a bee but i fail to see why thats relevant
So, I bought the Cucumber Mint lip balm from Burt’s Bees. I kinda love it and hate it too. What? Oh, yeah I want to report a murder.
I wish radical Islamists were just Muslims who were really into surfing.
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
Ran into my neighbor in the hall and she told me she can’t wait to meet my partner.
…soooo I guess she’s heard me talking to myself.
ME: *falls off the wagon*
THE REST OF MY CARAVAN ON THE OREGON TRAIL: Phew. Finally.
[4:30am]
ME: *shifts slightly in bed*
DOG: *races across house* IS IT TIME TO GO OUT NOW?
Fact: an Owl’s head can rotate up to 840°, before it comes off in your hand.
My dog is never excited if I’m the first one down the stairs in the morning. It’s all just panic and accusations.
“Oh no, where’s Mommy? Is Mommy gone? What have you done with Mommy?”
I’m not saying Coke is better, I’m just saying I’ve never heard anyone order a Jack and Pepsi.
Do I speak Spanish?
Oui!
Anyone else’s spouse dislike their pet name? My “wife for now” hates hers
My 6yo said “I’m still hungry” and I couldn’t resist responding with “I’m still daddy”
I love that old Revolutionary War saying about shower sex “Don’t shoot until you see the soap in their eyes…” or something like that.
you would not believe that one of the reasons i’m most excited to move out is so i can own a bean bag in every room of my house
“I can’t believe you chose me, surely you could do better! No one ever pays me any attention.” – Most likely the most attractive character in the game
One of my firmly-held beliefs is that every one of us has driven off with something on our roof that wasn’t supposed to be there, and another is that we’ve all seen a car in traffic with coffee, a briefcase, or a purse on the roof and wondered what kind of idiot does that.