My daughter has created a new game show where she puts her shoes all over the house and then asks us where they are
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Don’t ever forget where you came from. That’s most likely where you left your car.
Cold.
Warm.
Warm.
Warmer.
Hot.
Burning.
Cold.
Hot!Eating microwaved leftovers.
Remembering the time I brought a bf to a family thing & he pointed at my uncle & whispered, “That’s my parole officer.”
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
Okay back to it and remember, you can’t say anger without saying grrrr
lawyer: just say you were with a friend
me: ok
[later]
cop: where were you that night?me: robbing the house *winking at my lawyer* with my friend
I don’t care if you talk behind my back. Just speak up so I can hear you too.
Whoever came up with the idea of pills for cats never met a cat
*lies down in bed*
*closes eyes*
*gets comfortable and relaxes*Brain: *blows into mic* *tap tap* Okay, so where was I…
Tell me and I forget, teach me and I remember… involve me and we got a problem
There’s plenty more fish in the sea
“Actually we’ve 5% the tuna we once had. 10% of sharks. 5% of cod”
I’m bad at consoling dumped friends
What idiot named it “proposing marriage” and not “engaging the enemy”?
You know you’re getting old when you sound like a women’s tennis match just trying to get out of bed.
I want the immune system of this barefoot man in 7-Eleven
It’s hard to make the bed when someone’s in it. Especially if it’s me.
No one is more drunk with power than a toddler who has learned to use a cup with no lid or straw
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
*claims pandemic weight as a new dependent on my taxes*
One of the lights in my bathroom is out. I look at least ten years younger.
The only thing I want from a 25 year old man is his metabolism.
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
please tell me about an extremely niche section of twitter that you never knew existed until you made them angry. one time i made Feed Swans Bread Twitter angry after i suggested food alternatives. FOR MONTHS I got angry tweets, until I finally deleted it. YOUR TURN.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 20’s: Turns up music.
Pulling up to another car at a stoplight in my 40’s: Turns down NPR.
him: i need some space
me: fine i’ll wait outside the bathroom door
If you only see one raccoon getting a marriage proposal today, make it this one.
If you kill the question, what do you bury?
The question remains.
CIA Agent: First you’re gonna cry, then you’re gonna talk
Me: I’ll never talk
CIA Agent: [puts on the Notebook]
[two hours later]
Me: [crying] he-he just loved her so much you know?
CIA Agent: [also crying] wanna talk about it?
9:30 in the morning, the woman behind me in line says to her toddler “No, I don’t think they have ice cream right now, nobody eats ice cream this early in the morning,” just as I turn around holding a giant cup of vanilla soft serve.
“IS THERE A DOCTOR ON THE PLANE???”
[i stand up super fast & knock myself out on the luggage compartment, requiring another doctor]
A good way to get kicked out of church is to shout “HOLE!” after every chorus of “Glory, Glory, Glory”.