why isn’t thunder called soundning
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I love overhearing dog owners talking to their dogs
eg, I was petting this dog who seemed happy but then suddenly growled at me, so I left
As I turned the corner I could hear his owner saying to him reproachfully, “You always do this, Oscar, you drive away all your friends”
me: goodnight moon 🙂
moon: night<3
me: goodnight stars 🙂
moon: wtf
me: sry wrongnumber
moon: whos stars
moon: who is stars
moon: answer me
[1st time eating a lemon] this orange is angry
You’re not allowed to judge someone based on their scream in bug related situations.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
[1890s guy] I gotta stop looking at my candle before bed
And no thanking Jesus unless he actually shows up at the ceremony
GOD: *flipping a coin* Heads! That means it’s the murder hornets.
ANGEL: *sighs* Fine
GOD: Don’t worry, I’ll release the torture squirrels next month
All I’m saying is never ask a bald man if he remembers something off the top of his head.
terrifying if it really happened:
the kiss emoji with the heart coming out of the mouth
So my husband told me that his coworker gave him homemade bath bombs over the holidays & that he tried one & it didn’t dissolve v well but he’d never used one before & thought it was normal. He left the other one for me & I just tried it. It. Is. A. COOKIE.
That is the biggest doily I have ever seen.
[lightning strike super close to our house]
5-year-old: Missed me.
The only highlight of a brutal moving day:
Wife: “That’s way too big to fit in the back door.”
4 people in unison: “That’s what she said!”
911: What is your emergency.
M: I need to report a home invasion. This woman looks like my mother in law but she’s smiling. Please hurry.
*slips $5 to the mortician*
Me: How about – stop screaming – how about you give me another 10 minutes, this is a great place to nap.
can y’all stop breaking each others hearts, the gym is getting too packed
Me: I’d like a neck tattoo
Tattoo artist: okay, of what?
Me: I just told you
Tattoo artist:
Me: on my forearm
Watching a special
about climate change. Oh, wait.
This is a window.
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
Wait …
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Kid: He is the baddest person in the whole world
Me: Baddest isn’t a word, u can say worst
Kid: What is worst
Me: It means very bad
Kid: How bad
Me:
Kid:
Me: Baddest
Urgency is realizing you had Taco Bell last night and you are on the interstate, next exit is 75 miles away…
My mother had eight kids and she’d buy a box of six Pop Tarts. Don’t tell me about your childhood problems.
Well. That’s not a good sign.
Um, doctor? This degree on your wall is from Whatsamatta U. I don’t think that’s a…
Doctor: *looking at x-rays* MY GOD! YOU HAVE NO SKIN!
Shenanigans are the females of the nanigan species.
home depot should sell a 12ft turkey skeleton for thanksgiving
What’s up with you needing to tell me you’re a ‘native New Yorker’ thru your license plate? Is it like ‘babe, we should move over. There’s a native New Yorker coming up behind us’?