In some countries your Honor, a nude man painted in bronze while urinating in a public fountain would be considered art.
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What Harry Potter house am I in?! I am a SERIOUS and MATURE adult.
So Ravenclaw.
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Assert dominance by throwing your poop at a monkey first.
Me: Busy day?
Singer: Working on my scales
Map maker: Same
Scale maker: Same
Mountain climber: Same
Guy who draws fish: Same
4: What does antique mean?
Me: It means old-
4: Oh…like you?
i’m not dating for marriage i’m dating to split streaming and nytimes subscriptions
Never give your address or date of birth to anyone on social media.
Armed with this information, they could show up at your birthday party.
(painted my 7yr old’s nails)
7: I know you did the best you could, it’s just that, the colors we’re supposed to have an ombré effect.
Me: Oh, an ombré effect. Well, if you’re dissatisfied with the service please feel free to leave a negative review for my non existent nail salon.
Her: Does that dog actually play chess?
Me: He’s not so smart. I beat him 2 games out of 3.
*Dog Barks
Me: Alright, 1 game out of 3.
I just put the crockpot on the counter.
Which is basically the Bat Signal for ✨starting tomorrow we’ll be eating the same thing for the next three days✨
Him: How close is the storm?
Me: Let me check
*laptop blows away*
Pretty close.
Me: *sits still 90% of my day by choice* This is nice.
Also me: *stuck in traffic* You mean I just have to SIT here?!’
i don’t give parenting advice bc i don’t have kids but i was at an engagement party once where a toddler was walking around drinking a bud light and i had to step in bc craft beers taste better.
We have a fun thing at work where we hide things as a joke. For example, I just hid Nicole’s bowl of candy corn in the dumpster outside.
Every so often I remember the gut-wrenching disappointment of 11th grade English when I read enough of The Great Gatsby to find out he was just some thirsty dork instead of a magician
[end of the night]*hand running through her hair, pulls out a lizard*
ME: no not again
*she unzips jacket, collapses into a pile of lizards*
Had salad for the third night in a row and now I get why you’re so angry, vegans
me: hi do you take walk-ins
the morgue: what
I don’t do drugs. I take drugs. My brain does the drugs. Follow me? Me either -because drugs
I’m thinking of a color between 1 and 10. Correct guessers get a lollipop.
[airport check-in]
Me: I’d like to check this in
Clerk: you’ll have to take that on with u
Me [sighing & picking baby up off counter]: fine
50 shades of grey = my Liver
I’m starting to regret my “2015 FOREVER” tattoo.
How does one answer this?
Spoiler alert: Your ’97 Nissan Sentra doesn’t need one.
“So what kind of comedy will you be doing for us?”
“The usual, self defecating.”
“Ha, I think you mean deprecating.”
“Think all you like.”
[date]
HER: I absolutely love Star Wars
ME: Oh me too
HER: What’s your favorite part?
ME: *nervously* Uh, when the stars go to war
If we make guns illegal, then nobody will get shot anymore. That’s how we stopped everybody from doing drugs
God [making birds]: They are going to start screaming in the morning and wake people up really early.
Angel: Like at 6 AM?
God: Earlier.
Angel: 5 AM?
God: EARLIER
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth