Drink to remember.
Drink to forget.
Tweet while drinking,
Wake up with regret.
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You are visited by the ghost of H.P. Lovecraft. He whispers to you about a terrifying, eldritch horror he saw outside. You have to explain that it’s just the car dealership’s inflatable dancing tube man.
Welcome to Twitter: yeah none of us can sleep either.
Interviewer: So, why do you want to work here?
Me: Well, I don’t really want to “work” here, per se…I just really need the paychecks.
[interview]
“Says here, you like to master debate in your free time?”“Yeah, sorry, that’s a typo”
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
i hated what my teen was wearing today so i told him i loved it and it looked “dripping bruh”. he changed. follow me for more parenting advice
If you don’t smile and show everyone your teeth when you’re eating Oreos then you’re probably more mature than me.
“I’m still a virgin”
-theres plenty of fish in the sea
“Ur right. I’ll find someone”
-no, I mean u should give up & be a lonely fisherman
Hey, did you guys know you can do just about anything if you use asterisks?
*rides T-Rex off into the sunset*
[comes out of coma after 12 years]
ME: Holy shit I forgot to set my AIM status to ‘Away’!
DOCTOR: you might want to take a seat
Me to my first grade class: Everyone please close your eyes for a minute.
6yo: Did you forget to put on your deodorant again?
Her: You had me at, “I brought you nachos”.
Him: But I didn’t bring you nachos.
Her:
Him:
Her:
Him: Be right back…
[reading The Night Before Christmas]
son: what’s a kerchief?
daughter: what’s a clatter?
son: what’s a sash?
daughter: what are coursers?
son: what’s soot?
daughter: what’s a peddler?
son: what’s a thistle?
me: *closing book* Santa is fake. It’s all fake. Goodnight.
I’m moving today. To mess with the movers, I labeled one box “Thoughts.”
“I could eat.”
-me (right after I’ve eaten)
Not to brag but my Motorola flip top phone still has the same full charge since 96′
A job site for heavily tattooed professionals called Inkedin
Computer: Are you sure you want to trust this printer?
Printer: *shifty eyes*
The grease on the floor adds an element to Waffle House brawls that doesn’t exist anywhere else in the fight world and whatnot.
6-year-old: Spill me some milk.
Me: You mean “pour.”
6: Not the way you do it.
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
11’s science fair volcano lost because they didn’t appreciate my addition of figures showing a human sacrifice.
Every so often, I try to fornicate a large word into conversation, even if I’m not sure what it means.
Plot twist: a Mission Impossible movie where the mission is in fact impossible
Nurse drawing her fifth vial of blood:
Almost done.Me: I’d hope. You gonna run tests or frame me for murder?
“Listen to your body.” Okay, my body wants to be fat and unemployed.
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
My daughter just watched “Cujo” for the first time.
Guess who’s putting shaving cream around the dogs mouth later ?
* shows up with flowers
Wife: Are we going to the hospital?
I just heard that most of the babies recently born in New Zealand take a moment to look around then loudly say, “Ohhh, HELL YEAH!”