If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
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I want to put hot dogs on my fingers so I have extra long, floppy, hot dog fingers.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
Ghosts are always depicted in Victorian garb which is a pretty singular view of death bc people are dying all the time, like how about a ghost from the 2000s like “being dead is NOT awesomesauce, hey what season of Firefly are they on now?”
my kids can lose something i bought them for $20 and up and not even flinch but could lose a stick they found in the yard and cry about it for hours.
[The Cheesecake Factory]
*looking at menu*
Alan Rickman voice: Turn to page 394.
Yes!
Great!
Bravo!
Hurrah!
Yippee!
Cheers!
Hooray!
Rah Rah!
Woo Hoo!
Whoopee!
Awesome!– Excerpt from “Fifty Shades of Yay!”
(listening to “How to save a life” by The Fray) please hurry.
Son #1: How long have we owned this house?
Me: You mean how long have I owned this house.
S1: No, I mean we. We share it, right?
Me: [Mufasa voice] Look around you, son. Everything the light touches … belongs to me.
Boss: if you don’t know what to say, slamming your face on the keyboard isn’t a solution
Me: what do you mean?
Friend: what are you doing for VD?
Me: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Friend: Valentine’s Day…
Me, leaning in: taking antibiotics and drinking cranberry juice
Ghost of Christmas Past: ‘You were kind of an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Present: ‘You’re an idiot.’
Ghost of Christmas Yet to Come: ‘You’re-‘
Me: ‘I get it, I get it!’
police: im sorry to both of you. your son set the school on fire.
parents: arson?
police: yes, your son.
“no” – me after being asked by the joker if i wanted to know how he got his scars
My kid: I’m cold, can I have some tea?
Also my kid: *puts 8 ice cubes into hot tea*
me: is this vegan friendly?
waiter: idk dude, he’s your friend
Everything that is wrong with America, in one image.
Robber *gun to my head* sign in to your account
Me *wiping tears* I can’t remember my password
Robber: Ask for a hint. And if you cry again, I’ll shoot
Me: ok ok
Computer: What was the name of your first dog?
Me: oh no
The scariest women I’ve known are five feet tall and under. My grandmother was oldest of 11 children, 4 feet 10 Irish Catholic terrifying. I once saw her false teeth fly out and continue yelling at my Uncle John.
I will let someone cut the line I’m waiting in, but only if they let me braid their hair from behind.
I hate when you forget to wear a belt and have to shoot heroin using the blood pressure machine at walgreens.
muhammad ali: float like a butterfly
jellyfish: done
muhammad ali: sting like a bee
jellyfish: i am nailing this
If Twitter has taught me anything it’s
[several hours later]
time management.
Anyone else having a near life experience today?
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
I bet before the band got popular, Barenaked Ladies concerts had a lot of pissed off attendees.
On the maternity ward is one place where you should never silence push notifications.
It’s very rude to not refer to the manager at Burger King as “Your Majesty”.
He said he thinks I’m resilient to everything, so I thanked him, but on second thought, he may have low key called me a cockroach
a weighted blanket just isn’t cutting it anymore. i need a hydraulic press