Me: Did you like that story?
5: Yes, I love Goldilocks.
Me: Of course they had to change the ending for kids.
5: There’s another ending? Tell me.
Me: You don’t need to know.
5: Tell me, Tell me!
Me: They’re BEARS for God’s sake. How do you THINK it ended?!
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Working from home has been a good way to find out which of my neighbors have loud lawnmowers and barking dogs. All of them. The answer is all of them.
19 showed us what he has learned at college when he asked “can we drink screwdrivers while we are opening presents?”
*making screwdrivers*
On my flight to Montreal, the 20 something sitting next to me passed on her in flight snacks. I don’t understand this generation.
If diet and exercise are not working for you, try actually dieting and actually exercising.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
This might be the funniest tweet ever
Body: go to sleep
Brain: what country has the largest population of goats? Better run a search on this
Living well is the best revenge. The second best revenge is carefully removing plants from someone’s garden & replacing their lawn gnomes with slightly larger lawn gnomes so they appear to be growing in size from eating the plants.
I’m too rational for astrology. Why would I ask a goat in the sky to tell my fortune when I can consult the entrails of an actual goat right here on Earth?
[On the playground]
Kid: He said the ‘S’ word.
Me: the ‘S’ word like meaning poop?
Kid: no. Shit. He said shit.Just know I tried.
Him: Let’s get you out of that dress.
Me: Be careful
Him: Why?
Me: If you tug at my Spanx hard enough, I’ll pop open like a can of biscuits.
When people ask if I was dropped on the head as a child, my mother’s face turns red and she changes the subject.
My wife, showing a childhood photo of herself riding a horse: “This is me when I was little.”
The five-year-old, genuinely shocked: “You were a *horse*?”
BOSS: You’ve been picked for a random drug test
ME: Hold my bong
I would love to live a sober life but then I’d be giving my MIL a reason to like me…
Her: HELP I’M ON FIRE!!
ME: *slow drag on cigarette* Technically, the fire is on you.
In order for us to go on vacation we need to start by unpacking from our last vacation.
16 zombie actors injured on movie set. Saddly no one noticed for 3 hours.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
As a kid I wanted a Jetsons like future, but now I get emails from my vacuum cleaner so be careful what you wish for.
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
I’m not a hot mess I’m a room temp predicament
My wife is a gluten free vegetarian, if you want to know what life in culinary purgatory is like.
Squirrel having fun.. 😅
Before & after 😅
Me: Enough with the reminders. I got it already.
Also me: Oh shit that was today.