[text]
Her: I picked up buffalo wings.
Me: * moves furniture around
* rolls out plastic sheeting
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It’s kind of annoying that my wife said something about glistening but when I asked her to repeat it she just got mad.
[god creating hotdogs]
inflate that worm
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
[me talking to someone one year younger than me]
listen, kid…
My dog stepped in the pumpkin pie. I’m serving it anyway.
Those people that get up and are already home from the gym by 7 a.m. make me believe the movie Men in Black just may be true after all.
No good deed goes unposted on social media.
“Careful, there’s poop on the dance floor.” – how ballet was invented.
Person having heart attack: do you know cpr?
Me: no *pulling out phone* are they on spotify?
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Me in my 20’s: Bad to the bone
Me in my 40’s: Glued to my phone
Wife: What is this?
Me: The grocery list
W: I know, but you replaced “bread” with “beer”
Me: Almost all the ingredients are the same. Hon, if we’re going to move forward as a team we can’t let semantics stand in our way
You might want to read all of my tweets… so that when the movie comes out you can be all pompous and say the timeline was better.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
those birds must be on payroll
That de-escalated quickly
You think the nativity guys ever hung out again. having beers like haha remember when we saw that baby
Showing that you can fit your fist in your mouth on the first date is only sexy if you can get it back out afterwards
Boss: It’s a little strange that you’re only sick on Fridays…
Me: I have a weekend immune system.
Tim: This is Tim from accounting.
Me: Hi Tim from accounting.
Tim: Just say Tim.
Me. Tim.
Tim: How are you today?
Me: Tim.
[every person who ever bought a used bookstore]
now I can bring my cats to work.
Mariah Carey beginning with “I don’t want a lot for Christmas” and then revealing she wants “you” is such a good burn
*playing a California Raisins record for a friend* Pretty good right? These are raisins playing all the instruments
My kids never answer our phone unless it’s a telemarketer, political candidate or person taking a survey and then they’re all like HELLO OH SURE MY DAD IS RIGHT HERE
“Son, do you know why we named you Easter Bunny?”
*sigh*
“Because you don’t b-”
“BECAUSE WE DON’T BELIEVE IN YOU”
I WILL NEVER STOP BEING A QUITTER!
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
I can’t afford a vehicle with wing doors, so I buy the Tupperware with lids which open that way.
Do people who happily announce their pregnancy know they are going to be stuck with a baby afterwards?