God: you’re really fast.
Deer: ok.
God: so whenever you sense danger I want you to-
Deer: run away right?
God: no, just [freezes in place].
Deer: got it wait-what?
God: you know just [freezes in place again].
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Does anyone need a pen? I just went through a few drawers and it turns out we have ALL of them.
Everyone on this flight acting like they’ve never seen anyone peel a sack of hard boiled eggs before.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
*being wrestled away from mall santa by security* u hav TWO WEEKS until deadline and ur out here doing PHOTO OPS?! WHOS DOINGE THE REAL WORK
if u think ur house is haunted get a cat. whooshing sound? it’s the cat. hear footsteps? def the cat. unseen being devouring your soul? cat.
Caught myself talking to my dog and felt pretty dumb.
I totally forgot that I’m pissed at him for forgetting my birthday.
If you take a closer look, you will see a piece of mind your own business stuck in my teeth.
As the day goes on, coworkers start appearing more flammable.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.
I want to open a pizza shop called “Cheesus Crust!” Our slogan will be: “Heavenly ingredients, served hot as Hell.” -or- “Crust has risen.”
If my husband doesn’t like my cooking, he can buy his meth somewhere else.
[at the dentist]
him: come and lie on the chair
me: ok
him: not face down
Therapist: Have you ever had a job?
Me: I once worked at a zoo
Therapist: Great! And what did you take from that?
Me: Definitely not a penguin
Therapist: what
Me: what
Just overheard someone say they need an “escape goat” for their project & I can’t decide if they’re a complete idiot or an evil genius.
I don’t know who you are, but I will find you and I will kill you.
The Lion King really created trust issues between me and the nephew.
My uber driver asked me how my day was so I opened the door and quietly rolled into the road.
Kind of jealous of how a horse can strap a meal to its face.
I heard that, by law, you are required to turn on your headlights when it’s raining in Sweden.
How am I supposed to know if it’s raining in Sweden?
The most unrealistic part of The X Files was how no one got called into a budget meeting. It’s a government agency for crying out loud
This married couple was eating dinner, he meant to ask his wife for salt, but What came out was, I hate you stupid Bitch you ruined my life
My 7yo informed me that the fake tombstones we put up are both for the same guy and now he wants to know who Rip is.
I want to see Taylor Swift and Rupi Kaur fight each other.
Today at work a lady brought in a gift bag for the doctor, being he wasn’t there at the time, I just put it on his desk. It was a stool sample.
looks like someone ordered the brontosaurus ribs
4 YO: Mom, Can you help me open this?
Me: Yeah, in a minute
4 YO: Ok. Alexa, set a one minute timer
Wife [at a hotel]: Did you sleep ok without me? I never sleep when you’re not in bed with me.
Me [fully rested after 10 hrs of uninterrupted sleep]: No omg so tired.
Son: Have you ever heard of Busta Rhymes?
Dad: Sure, grew up listening to him
Son: So he’s like 100 years old?
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”