Told my kid it was time for a screen break and you’d think I asked for both of his kidneys
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job interviewer: do you consider yourself a good listener?
me: 5 years? in 5 years i hope i’ll be dead
Me: I love these lazy Sundays.
Boss: It’s Tuesday. Get off my couch and out of my office. And for Christ’s sake, put some clothes on!
[at a restaurant]
me: i think i misread your tinder bio
squirtle: squirtle.
What idiot called it chicken broth when you’re sick and not pharmasoupicals?
Huge sale this weekend, we have too many mountain lions, please come buy a mountain lion, this was a horrible business plan, one guy got ate
having twitter is just like reading the newspaper except the newspaper is on fire and all the writers hate you
Saw “45 mins” at the top of a food blog and at this point I just assume that’s how long it will take me to get to the actual recipe
If 2 or more nachos are stuck together they count as one. Unfortunately the same rule does not apply to dishwasher pods. I know this now
[Job Interview]
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in five years?
Me: Chief Executive Director of Burrito Operations.
Interviewer: Uh… we’re not a food company.
Me: *leans back, puts feet on the desk, pulls out a burrito* Yet.
[first day as a masseuse]
Me: [closing book] “…& they all lived happily ever after”
Customer: “That’s not what I meant by ‘happy ending'”
can you read it!!??
maan!
Sure I could remove the price tags off the merchandise in this store but at what cost?
*watches nature documentary*
*moves my giraffe print pillows far away from my tiger print pillows*
😬
I’m at my quickest when I try to follow someone out of the bathroom so I don’t have to touch the handle.
This made me chuckle.
Women always find me interesting and mysterious on the first date.
I knew that the fog machine under the table was a good idea!
Overheard in Dublin pub bathroom last night:
Girl 1: “My Ma is going mad that I’m out on Christmas Eve. She said to me: ‘it’s the day baby Jesus was born, and you’re out drinking’”
Girl 2: “Jesus was born ages ago, relax!
[driving to occult ceremony]
“I’m just gonna have one sacred elixir”
[2 hours later]
[floating in midair chugging straight from the ram’s skull] BEQUEATH ME ANOTHER
If you are attracted to both men and women with muscular arms, you’re bicepsual.
imagine prince eric watching ariel get her voice back in the little mermaid and finding out she sounds exactly like donald duck
I was feeling very depressed the other week. I went to my psychiatrist and told him I was suicidal.
He asked me to pay in advance.
GOOD LORD WHAT HAPPENED IN HERE oh wait it’s just the tile pattern
I wonder if Van Halen realized they were writing music just to lift weights to.
My doctor says I need to up my potassium intake and now on top of everything else I need to learn to mine bananas and avocados
4yo: You’re a good dad.
Me: Thanks.
4yo: You’d be better if you said yes more.
Me: Okay.
4yo: Can I have ice cream? Think about what I said.
Plowing through the mosh pit like hi *boop*…hi *boop*…hi *boop*
It looks like bathroom tai chi but it’s me trying to trigger the automatic paper towel dispenser.
You can tell they named the aardvark early in the week and the anteater on a Friday.
I used to hold the flashlight for my dad, but now I hold the flashlight for myself. I still can’t see anything. The same amount of swearing is involved.